Video: She Will Take… The Pain?

So what was the story behind this video from Taeyeon’s Zero instagram?

On 12 November 2017, Sunday, the day of her above instagram post, I remembered having an online meeting at home with my group of friends whom I was going to travel to Korea with in December. We had to discuss and settle several details of our trip such as booking of our accommodations and transport. I told Taenggu about it too. I always felt so stressed while planning all these things with my friends to the point that my body would ache badly. I guess I was too busy to actually take a moment to confront my emotional heartaches behind this upcoming trip – travelling to a country where Taenggu lives in but it was uncertain if I could finally meet her this time (at that time, I hadn’t decided to attend her Christmas concert yet). That was why my body was always protesting to me like this. And not forgetting the fact that my birthday was coming in 8 days’ time. I could imagine that intense emotional turmoil I was about to go through yet again of not receiving any birthday well wishes from her and not being able to meet her even though I would be physically close to her in Korea, but I was trying to ignore all of these impending pain for now. I guess my attitude towards life has always been 走一步,算一步 (Just go with the flow / What will be will be / Come what may).

While I was busy in discussions with my friends, I guess Zero, Taenggu’s dog, was trying to speak up for me. He looked like he wanted to say something to her but was having difficulty because he couldn’t speak human language. So he ended up throwing some tantrums. I have added in some captions in my self-edited video at the top to relay what I think was happening in the situation between Zero and Taenggu at that time. At the last 1-2 seconds of this video, you can hear a mysterious girl voice (whom I believed was a spirit, the “girl” whom I have been observing was always beside Taenggu) whispering “She will take it.” I assumed the “she” was referring to me.

It actually sounded kind of mean to me. I will take what? The pain? Was she representative of my inner voice? Did I really think I could take the pain? Ideally, I would have wanted to respond, “No, Taenggu, please do something to stop me from having to undergo all these emotional pain…” But a part of me thought even if I voiced myself out to tell her that I was going through a hard time, it was unlikely that my situation would change or I would get any response from her. So rather than saying something like “Please do something. Please help me.” and making myself feel all weak and vulnerable to uncertainties (from past experiences), I stayed silent. I thought I should instead 静观其变 (silently wait and see if my situation would change). By staying silent, I could also remain more emotionally stable this way.

But that day, after watching her instagram video and seeing Zero behaving this way, I remembered asking Taenggu, “Are we having a fight?” to which she responded in an aegyo way, “Nooo~” And that already appeased any anger I might have within me to the point I didn’t feel the need to say anything more to her at that time.

However, a month later, there was a red light signal when the impending pain of my Korea trip was nearing. I was emotional and took to Twitter to voice out briefly what I personally felt about the video and my sorrow of not being able to do anything to change my situation.

Another month later, I’m writing this now after having already gone through one of the hardest pains in my life. I’m glad I’ve survived, despite suffering several wounds in my heart here and there. Now looking back, between saying something and not saying anything at all, would my situation have changed one bit?

#questiontoponder 💭

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