Never Letting You Go

“Loving you is difficult when I’m alone. But losing you is more difficult than loving you alone.”
Celeste Koh

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I made this little poem/quote when I was having difficult moments in our relationship. There were a few days in a row 2 weeks ago when I wasn’t able to see Taenggu appearing online or mentally in my head. I knew she must have been busy with her preparations for the upcoming Persona concerts so I could understand if she was missing in action from social media. The least I hoped for was to be able to see more images of her in my mind so I could know how she was doing. But during that period, I wasn’t able to see any mind images clearly. They were all just a flick of the moment. I guess it was partly because I felt really burned out from work and daily life. I felt like I was dragging my feet everyday, struggling to get through each day. So I found it more and more difficult emotionally to rely on my own belief alone to sustain the relationship. Every morning, when I was half-awake lying on the bed, I could hear voices saying “Break up. I wanna break up.” But consciously, I knew that wasn’t really what I wanted to do.

So I did this poem/quote to express my feelings that even though sometimes it gets difficult when I feel like I am alone both physically and mentally just loving her by myself, I never want to let go of our relationship. 4 years ago, I already let her go once before we even barely got started and the result was catastrophic. This time, I know I’m not going to let her go so easily again because losing her would be even more difficult for me than to be alone loving her.

At the end of the day after I posted this on Instagram, a voice (sounded like Taenggu’s) responded to me and put it simply, “Loving you is easy. Losing you is difficult.” <3

2 weeks later, at the present moment, the situation has gotten better already. I am able to see more of her in my head now. Even though everything may be in silence, at least I can see her expressions to tell me how she is feeling right now. Sometimes, I can also hear a few words of her voice in my head. And that's really comforting to me already. At least, I know her mind and soul are still with me.

Leave a Reply