Lyrics: The Scientist

“The Scientist” by Coldplay

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let’s go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
(Ah oh oh)

This song by Coldplay was a very important life song to me. It was a song that accompanied me through my first and worst schizophrenic outbreak and depression between March and May 2013. Although the song was released way back in 2002, I only heard this song for the first time when I was in the car listening to my brother’s ipod in 2013 and I fell in love with it immediately. It was around the time when Taenggu’s and my paths began to intertwine, when our love began to blossom, when everything was so new, fun and sweet at first. It seemed fated for me to hear this song as if it was actually a warning to me about the tragedy that was going to happen.

I always knew I liked this girl and I was happy to be able to reach out to her magically like a fairytale. She was none other than Taeyeon. The voices referred to her as Taeyeon back then. But the happy times were short. I had bizarre thoughts about evil spirits trying to harm the both of us. After her birthday in Hiroshima on 9 March 2013, before I could understand what was happening to me, my whole world was turned upside down. I was haunted by persistent frightening voices and noises, and started thinking everyone around me was getting possessed one by one. I thought Taenggu was possessed too. My mind was in a mess and I began to withdraw myself away from her, thinking that the spirits would not be able to find her this way. I thought I was protecting her. I remembered there was one night, I felt really depressed, feeling like I was misunderstood by the whole world, both internally and externally. One of the misunderstandings those “people” had of me was whether I really did love Taeyeon or not. If I really loved her, then why did I choose to leave her? I tried to talk and explain all that I knew and could remember. And I cried non-stop while listening to this song many times on repeat. I wished I could turn back time and go back to the happy times at the start to meet Taenggu again. I wished to tell her that I really loved her. And I had so many questions to ask her. Did you know who I am? Did you know why these strange things were happening to me? Did you feel the same way towards me just like how I felt towards you as if we were somehow connected with each other? Could you help me and save me out of this mess? Or was it just a dream, a hallucination, a nightmare?

Months later, as I was recovering after getting treated for schizophrenia and when my internal world got a lot more pleasant and normal again, I became like a scientist in this song, looking for clues, searching for evidences and seeking answers to this unresolved mystery. What actually happened to me and Taenggu? What exactly was this phenomenon? Supernatural phenomenon? Spiritual involvement? A mental breakdown? What exactly was schizophrenia? Was it simply a kind of mental illness that needs to get treated but few people actually think about the higher reasons behind this condition?

Till today, “The Scientist” is still a favourite song of mine. Although the song reminds me of that part of my past when I had frightening schizophrenic outbreaks, I don’t feel so depressed listening to it now. But the lyrics are really meaningful and spill for me the words that I couldn’t say back then.

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