14 March 2017
It’s the fourth day since I came back from our staycation at Studio M Hotel. During the second night of our stay there, I already started having sore throat, probably due to heatiness and stress in my body. When I returned home last Saturday, I was totally drained of all energy. I collapsed on my bed for a rest. After awhile, I met my mum for lunch and told her about the pain in my throat. She bought me a bottle of bitter tea which might help to ease it. Later that afternoon, I took a nap at home. But my back started aching and I started having flu too.
I know whenever my body doesn’t feel well, the voices in my head would start to sound more negative. I would start to feel sulky over the things that I’ve done for Taenggu. Sometimes, I would feel like is it really worth it to go through all the emotional pain and stress to do so much for her? Then, suicidal thoughts started coming in again. I felt like giving up and jumping off the building just to end it all. Thinking on the rational side, why did my body break down? It was most likely because I didn’t manage to get enough quality sleep over the past 2 nights at the hotel and the air-con was kinda cold sometimes. I also probably felt stressed about the staycation. Before I went, I lied to my family that I was going with 2 other friends to celebrate birthday for one of our friends. I knew that if I were to tell them the truth that I was actually going for a staycation alone, they would definitely not allow me to do such a thing. During the 2 nights, my mum also called and messaged me to say that she missed me and asked me to send her some photos of our staycation. I ignored her messages partially and thankfully, she didn’t pester me further. Even little things like bringing the unicorn balloon home, I had to say that it was because my friend found it troublesome to take it home with her so I just took it with me.
All the while, I still believe that Taenggu has good intentions for me and that she is worried about my health too. Even though I couldn’t see and know exactly what she did for me, I believe that she has been taking care of me in her own ways. I think it could simply mean eating well, drinking well and exercising well herself. Because by taking care of herself, she knows that she is taking care of me too. Because we are half of each other. At least that’s what I think.
I spent the whole Sunday lying on the bed, sleeping, sneezing and coughing. At around 5am on Monday morning, I woke up briefly in a mess of voices from my dreams. In my mind, I saw an image of Taenggu wearing a white surgical mask (those kind that people would wear when they are sick) and giving me a weird, disgusted look on her face. It looked like she was sitting on the bed next to me. But then came a comforting voice asking, “Does it sound weird?” She was probably referring to the voices. Half-awake, I agreed and said “Mmm” and fell back to sleep again. But I was actually thinking the image of Taenggu in my mind was even weirder than the voices. Haha.
Later that morning, at 11.30am, I finally went to the polyclinic to see the doctor whom my mum (who is working there) arranged for me. The doctor did a check on me and said it was a normal flu. He also comforted me that the condition of my throat wasn’t that serious and gave me some medicine and a 2-day MC. I messaged Taenggu about it and I could feel her feeling proud and happy inside. Probably proud that she took care of me well ᄏᄏ.
In the evening, I was about to go out for a walk near my house. Around this time, I received a notification that Taenggu just posted something new on her Instagram.
Her caption says:
“Be careful of colds everyone”
It definitely comforted me so much more when I saw this, especially when I was suffering from colds. I left a comment, telling her to take care of herself too. I guess, after awhile, a voice replied “I will take care too”. Then, I messaged her, telling her that I’m going out for a walk. I needed to go to the bread shop and supermarket to buy some bread for my mum and sister. While walking there, I was talking to myself as if I was talking to Taenggu again. I told her that I just received a new instruction from my supervisor at work. From now on, I guess I would have to re-focus back to my work during office time. But I also assured her that I will continue to maintain and manage the website during my free time as well. This is a way to keep in touch with her and keep her updated with my daily life as well. Then, there was suddenly a steady smooth stream of words running through my head that I struggled to keep up with. But I managed to catch the first line of the sentences which said “From now on, I will let you know everything in advance…” But I wasn’t sure of the direction of that voice, whether it was from me to her or from her to me. But I also agreed that I will let Taenggu know in advance whatever plans I have in the future as well.
When I was at the supermarket, there was also a voice telling me, “I will continue to sing for you…” That was definitely Taenggu, wasn’t it? There was a mixture of reactions inside of me but silently, I know I would still support her no matter what her decision is. I also told her silently in my heart that I still need my current job to sustain my living too. On the way back, I decided to walk a few rounds at the park to clock in the steps on my watch. Carrying a bag of groceries on one hand, I told her about the blog posts that I planned to write in the future while I walked. When I was thinking about things like “my love stories with Taenggu”, another voice came in at the same time and said “my ghost stories with Namu (my Korean nickname which means tree). It made a lot of sense to me! To me, it’s love stories with Taenggu but to her, it might be ghost stories with Namu. Different perspectives, I guess. Hahaha.
When I went back home, I had dinner at the dining table in the kitchen.
While eating, I was startled by the loud voice of my father who started scolding me out of a sudden for not telling him when I went out and when I came back home. I rolled my eyes. And I could feel Taenggu rolling her eyes with me in my head at the same time too, with a voice saying “Of course, she is eating with me!” I wondered, what was going on in her life over there?? ᄏᄏᄏ After awhile, I realised my left hand was shaking. I asked Taenggu if she was okay. For a moment, I thought whether it was a nervous breakdown because of my father’s scolding just now. Thinking about it carefully, I thought it could be because I was carrying the heavy bag of groceries with my left hand while walking outside too.
Today I woke up very early at 7am and the pain in my throat was totally gone. My body is recovering well now. I heard Taenggu is having cold too. Hope she is getting well soon with me too!
Just a while ago, when I was looking at her latest post on Instagram about White Day, her voice came to me and said “Don’t forget to let Namu take care of me too!”
Hahahaha this Taenggu is such a cutie! XD Of course I will take care of her just like she takes care of me too! ❤