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I was reacting considerably well to the medication I was given during my one-week stay at IMH
Other than the burning sensation in my head on my first night
The occasional saliva drooling and really dry, blocked nose
No other major issues were observed during my time there
Strangely though
After I was sent home
I began to experience more severe side effects of the same psychotic drug that I was told to take every night before going to bed
That burning sensation suddenly recurred while I was back home
But rather than contained within my head like it happened on my first night at IMH
It seemed to travel further and further down my body with each progressing night
That “fire” burning on my chest area was so intense and terrible that I couldn’t fall asleep
I also became extremely restless and had an uncontrollable need to pace round and round the house in a bid to ease the discomfort in my body
To add on to the anxiety and fear that already built up
My vision began to blur intermittently
My limps also started shaking uncontrollably for what was known to be muscle spasms
I remembered thinking to myself in despair
My life is doomed now
I’m going to suffer like this
Exactly like how a psychotic patient is stereotyped to be
For the rest of my life
How am I still going to travel to Fukuoka with Elaine in such a state?!
When the vicinity of my house was too small to appease my restlessness
I resorted to aimless long night walks outside around our neighbourhood until my burning discomfort and restlessness eased and I finally calmed down
Which usually lasted for 1-2 hours
One night my mum accompanied me on one of those desperate night walks when I was having an attack
Every car that zoomed by startled me
The sound of engines was loud and piercing to my ears
I couldn’t breathe properly
During the walk, my mum received a call
So she left me to walk ahead by myself as she spoke on the phone
When we returned home
She told me that it was an overseas call from our relatives in Sarawak
Initially she was quite reluctant to tell me what they said over the phone
Eventually she later revealed that they had called to ask if I was okay
It was surprising because my mum did not inform them anything about me falling mentally ill and getting admitted to IMH beforehand
So they were completely unaware of what happened to me
They had called because a priest had just told my uncle that there was a female spirit standing next to me in a photo that we took together when they came over to Singapore for holiday last December
Which was why they got worried about me
How mysteriously timed that call was!
Didn’t this just reaffirm my belief that I was being harassed by some spirits was true
And that my psychotic experiences and hallucinations shouldn’t be simply labelled as a mental illness but could be caused by some kind of spirit possession or influences??
Nonetheless the few local mediums whom my father brought me to did not seem to be able to point out any problem or presence of bad spirits around me
After a few unbearable nights of struggling with severe side effects
My parents rushed me to IMH again for emergency one night (much earlier than our original scheduled follow-up consultation on 30th May) when I was experiencing the same terrible symptoms again to find out what was wrong
The doctor analysed that it could be caused by the dosage of Risperidone prescribed being too high for me
He suggested to reduce my nightly intake of the psychotic drug by just half a mg to see if the side effects would ease
And miraculously it really did make a difference
My side effects subsided afterwards in the subsequent nights with slightly lower dosage
But the road to recovery was a long and inconspicuous one
One that required patience and care
The voices wouldn’t disappear simply overnight
Although my doctors did not specifically recommend me to do any form of activities that could potentially improve my mental health
(Other than exercising regularly to prevent weight gain)
Intuitively though
I passed most of my time at home drawing, sketching, doodling, colouring and doing pointillism art
Like I knew I could do this as a form of art therapy to help me heal better
As I drew
I could hear voices in the background whispering incessantly with each other
Like they were curious about what I was doing
What was I drawing?
Mostly cartoon or comic characters
Those that I saw from Taeyeon’s Instagram that I was now following
Whatever pictures that she posted
Whatever characters that she seemed to like
I would make it the subject of my artwork of the day
Taeyeon was my source of inspiration
My motivation to recover and get mentally well again
It was truly a period of healing time for me
During this time
I did not have to think and worry about anything else
No more stress from schoolwork and exams
I had no other commitments
All I did was just draw and draw
Despite still having blurred vision from the side effects at that time
The existence of love that I believed to have received from Taenggu during the period of IGAB
Was the only thing that sustained in my mind….
