6 months since my life changed (for better or worse) after SNSD’s I Got A Boy comeback,
1 month since I was discharged from IMH after being diagnosed of schizophrenia,
About a few days since I returned home from my holiday trip to Fukuoka with a friend,
An advertisement was showing on the TV
Asia Style Collection fashion show, 22nd June 2013, Singapore Expo
2NE1 and SNSD, the two biggest Kpop girl groups of that time, were headlined as performing guests for the event.
My mum saw it and asked,
Isn’t this that Kpop girl group you like?
She knew Girls’ Generation was the main reason I started hearing voices after watching their performance videos.
Go purchase a ticket to the show, she said
She would pay for it to let me go
She had been showering me with a lot more love and care ever since I fell mentally ill
That day arrived
22nd June 2013
I dressed myself up a little different from usual
A long red t-shirt paired with silky flowery skirt-shorts
On my head I wore a blue hiphop style cap (signature IGAB must-have accessory) that says “Smile up!” on it
All my latest fashion hauls from Fukuoka
I wore them all on me as if to meet my lover in person for the first time whose soul I thought I had met earlier in Fukuoka
It was time to meet my destiny
The reason behind it all that I had just gone through for the last 6 months
The voices in my head, the agony, the confusion, the unknown
The truth was about to reveal finally
Or so I thought
I went alone
Seated by myself somewhere far away near the back end of the Expo hall on the right side facing the stage
All around me were a mix of Blackjacks and SONEs, equally eager and excited to see our Queens of Kpop perform onstage
But the whole fashion show was such a drag
It was almost midnight and we had yet to see them appear
We were all getting impatient already
At that time I still hadn’t fully recovered from schizophrenia yet
Still hearing voices but they were much milder than they were before my Fukuoka trip
Still felt like I was going in and out of consciousness at times
Like my mind was “floating” in the air
I just behaved like a very simple, innocent fan girl
Who was waiting to see my idols
Waiting to meet my lover named Kim Taeyeon
The name that the voices had been incessantly repeating in my mind since IGAB
Finally the long-awaited finale performances began
2NE1 came out first
The whole crowd instantly came alive and turned crazy
As I was also a big fan of a few 2NE1’s hit songs
I could feel the adrenaline rush running through me too
As I sang along with the rest of the crowd
Next came Girls’ Generation who took over the finale stage
The cheers were insane
The audience who were already hyped up sang along to the tunes of ‘Hoot’, ‘Dancing Queen’, ‘I Got A Boy’ and ‘Gee’ with such harmony and enthusiasm as the 9 girls performed onstage.
I was especially excited when they performed IGAB live for the very first time in Singapore right before my eyes!
What used to be just me watching and singing along behind a computer screen
Now I got to sing along live with them at the same time and place!
The whole time I was wondering if the same magic was still happening up there too with me physically present at the scene
Could they hear my voice?
Could they spot me from afar?
Could they see me waving at them?
Did they know where I was?
I had no idea
All I could see was their tiny figures moving around on the stage
And their closeup faces occasionally on the big screen before me
The performances ended like a flash before me
The girls bade goodbyes and disappeared backstage
People were all starting to leave the hall quickly to catch the last train home as it was getting late
I remained seated, not sure what to do
Should I linger awhile more?
Would Taeyeon come out from backstage to look for me?
But my phone kept ringing
My father was already waiting in his car outside Singapore Expo
To fetch me home after my mum told him I would be here late watching a performance
I think at that time I wasn’t fully conscious enough to make sense of what just happened yet
I think I wasn’t able to come to my senses fully enough to even cry about it
Ahh….so, nothing special happened?
Ahh….so, Taeyeon did not come out to find me?
Ahh….so, those voices were not….real?
That night I left in my father’s car silently
Probably with this one only realisation in my mind
Ahh I see, so I’m just another ordinary fan girl.