#220128# & #220216#
After my theta healing session with the healer for the second time in 3 years, I was left dazed and soulless. Right after the session, I was supposed to head down straight to Cafe de Paris at 313 Somerset in Orchard to do my annual painting in time for our 7th anniversary which would fall on the very next day (29 January).
Perhaps I thought the theta healing session would help to strengthen my faith and beliefs of all these years and provide more certainty to my relationship with Taenggu so that I could later do my painting with more pride and confidence, which was why I planned my schedule that way. In reality, however, the session did pretty much the opposite.
Instead of confirming that yes, you’re right with all the spiritual things that were going on, it cut off whatever cords, connections and obligations that had got me linked to the entertainment industry and even Taeyeon herself. It’s like telling me straight in the face that no, your relationship with Taeyeon does not exist and should not have existed in the first place.
But it did knock some sense into me. Yes, why was it that I often felt obliged to do something or contribute in whatever way especially when Taenggu released new music or other contents? Yes, why did I often find myself insinuated and referenced in some of her music contents without any direct acknowledgements? Was Taenggu actually taking advantage of my love for her to get my ideas to propel her singing career? Was she in cahoots with her company like what the healer said about making use of fans like me for our energy and ideas? Is that why she never actually contacted me personally after all these years just so that she could sit back and just watch or read how my stories about loving her like a fool would unfold which she would then use as inspirations for her new songs? Perhaps she really never had the intention to contact me at all and was not serious about making our relationship a REAL one.
Some past memories of the times I tried travelling to look for Taeyeon replayed in my mind and suddenly it became clear. Yes, why did she always give me the impression that she’s been trying to run away and avoiding me whenever I went anywhere physically near her? Especially the incident at the K-Wave 2 concert in Kuala Lumpur, it was obvious when she was already secretly whisked off to the airport with a herd of bodyguards around her even before the concert ended, while I was still sitting there in the audience watching the other artistes I wasn’t interested in like a fool not knowing she was already on her way back to Korea. When I thought back about all my precious time wasted for the past close to 10 years spent holding on to blind faith waiting for her, it pained and broke my heart deeply.
I arrived at Cafe de Paris but stood outside at a distance away from its entrance, still in a daze and undecided. What now, I thought. If the healer had cut off all my obligations and connections to Taeyeon during our healing session just now, did it mean that I had officially “broken up” with her now? I no longer had anything to do with her, and therefore, I was not obliged to do anything more for her already, right? So what would be the purpose of me still doing a painting right now? For who? And for what?
I originally planned to do a painting of gummy bears. Taenggu has always loved to eat gummy candies and she had also posted a photo of gummy bear recently at that time too, so I was inspired to paint images of a gummy bear with a gummy rabbit for our anniversary painting which I thought would be cute, interesting and fairly simple to paint. But after all that had happened, this idea suddenly became so childish and lacking in meaning now.
After contemplating for a long time, I left the place without doing any painting, forfeiting the fees I had already paid online when I reserved my spot for the art-jamming session timeslot much earlier on. With a heavy heart but a renewed mind, I was more determined to start my life anew from then on.
When I got back home, I took heed of the healer’s advice. I removed all my existing wallpapers of Taeyeon and replaced with images of roses. Instead of devoting my love blindly on someone else who I do not know in real life, I wanted to learn to be more selfish and love myself more and more from now on. I also stopped hugging my rainbow bunny plushie to sleep every night. I wanted to be more emotionally independent because as I had learned it the hard way, no one else would actually care about me more than I do. Even humans are cold and selfish, what more of an emotional support could I expect from a lifeless bunny plushie? But it wasn’t at all easy to adjust myself emotionally from what I had grown used to for the past several years just overnight. I cried to sleep on the first few nights.
Unexpectedly, the staff from Cafe de Paris later contacted me about my absence for my reserved art-jamming session. Very graciously after understanding my situation which I actually did not elaborate on and speaking to their boss, they offered to arrange for me a makeup session on another date of my choice within the next 3 weeks for just a very nominal admin fee of $3. Not wanting to reject their kind offer made out of good will and taking this as a positive sign that I should continue doing my painting, I requested to have it rescheduled on 16 February.
But rather than gummy bears, I opened up to the idea of doing a rose painting this time. Remembering the healer’s advice on the advantage of having pictures of roses at home for protection, I reckoned that hanging a painting of a rose drawn by myself in my room should have the same spiritual effect too. Taking references from the iconic hand-holding-a-rose picture that was widely used in remembrance of the late Jonghyun, I wanted to remake a similar image of a hand lovingly holding a stalk of rose but using the one line drawing technique that I was eager to try but had not attempted before.
The result was an abstract painting of a rose that you see below. I used pink and golden yellow colours for the background to represent the divine unconditional love and abundance that the rose exudes.
Referencing the other artwork I had done previously about The Little Prince and the Rose, I decided to name this painting aptly “The Rose”. Since then, somehow, the theme of my AMLIFT website here this year has also become one that is filled with roses too. Even on Taeyeon’s Instagram, coincidentally or intentionally, I seem to start seeing more appearances of roses in her photos too.
May this painting of “The Rose” be a reminder to anyone, including myself, that no matter how harsh and brutal the reality of the world today is, never forget to love yourself for who you are because you are important and deserved to be loved like everyone else.