Schizophrenic Episode: Monsters of the Night

May 2013

Three nights in a row
I couldn’t really fall asleep
Kept awake by the monsters of the night
Voices of different entities whom I couldn’t see
Came and went at their will
What were they discussing about?
Dealer?
What dealer?
Drug dealer?
What did they want to do to me?
Imagination ran wild
Take me, just take me
Don’t harm Taeyeon
Taeyeon is a celebrity but I’m just a nobody

My other self thought she could be a heroic fan sacrificing herself for her idol
In reality, her idol wouldn’t even notice if this unknown fan of hers were suddenly gone in this world
(Oh whatever.)

Eerie slow spinning creaking sounds from the old faulty metal fan
Every single tick tock from the wall clock terrifyingly loud and clear
As if it was just right next to my ears
Air was so still
Had all living things stopped breathing?
Every other human already deep in their lalaland
While I was the only one still awake living a nightmare hours past midnight
The Tiger Tooth amulet buzzing on my chest
As if sensing the danger that surrounded me
I felt trapped together with that spirit inside of me
Suffering the same pain that “she” was going through
Would the Tiger Tooth banish me together with the spirit that possessed me too?

Tears falling
I had enough!
I got out of bed
Walked to the kitchen
Looked out of the window
And 7 levels down at the ground below in the dark
Would this nightmare finally end if I jumped down?
Suddenly voices paused
As if everyone held their breaths and braced themselves for this moment
Finally peace and quiet
They never actually wanted me to die, it seemed
I shrugged
Went back to bed
Voices back again
Tears continued to flow like river
Suddenly, a mysterious buzzing of a mosquito was heard in the silent night
Circling around me, already had its eyes fixed on me as its victim
Finally it landed on my face and began to suck
Not my blood, but my tears
Get away from me!
I wished I could just scream
Nah no one would hear me
Sleep, just sleep
I just wanted to escape from these strange things that were happening at night

Hours of trying to get into sleep
Pretending not to be affected by those crazy things
Hoping someone could just knock me unconscious
Or just hypnotise me
But I was still kept awake with bizarre thoughts bombarding my mind every minute every second
I gave up
Opened my eyes
It was already dawn
The sky was painted in a fiery of red
Was Heaven also burning in fire with the intensity of my hallucinations throughout the night?
Then came some black birds hovering in the air outside my window
Flapping their wings fiercely
“Ceeellestee.. gooo aannd diiieeee.. gooo aaannd dieeeee!!”
They screamed in a creepiest, deeply hoarsest voice I had ever heard
I looked at my mum and sis lying on the adjacent bed
Still sound asleep
Nope they didn’t hear it
Good for them
My own nightmare extending into a living hell
For me and me only

Recommended read: ‘I am living inside a nightmare’ – This is what it’s like to experience psychosis

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