“My name is Sulli, Sul means snow and Li means a pear flower, so I’ll be probably reborn as a flower that is small but full of strong vitality.”
On the morning of Wine Day, 14th October, I went for an interview for a part-time e-commerce assistant job for an online art & craft shop somewhere at Queenstown area. After I finished the interview in about 15 minutes, I took a bus to head down to Bugis. On the bus ride, I felt a wave of depression within me, my heart began to feel heavy and I started to feel a little breathless. I kept mumbling to myself (or a voice within me), “I’ll be okay… You’ll be okay… I’ll be fine….” to make myself feel better.
Then, my bus passed by a shophouse with a familiar sign that says “Forever”. I used to take a photo of this sign and posted it on my personal instagram as one of my secret codes to Taenggu as a hint to SNSD’s song “Forever” as far back as in 2013. Seeing this sign sent a tinge of bittersweetness to my heavy heart as I recalled those old memories of 2013.
I alighted at Bugis Junction and went straight to a Thai eatery “Tuk Tuk Cha” for lunch. Recently I fell in love with their Tom Yum Chicken Rice Bowl and I was craving for it. So I ordered it as well as a glass of iced Thai milk tea to cool myself from the heat outside and the spiciness of the tom yum chicken.
It was a satisfying meal for me. Everything felt calm and normal thus far. It was only about 1pm then. I had planned to have a wine dinner date with Taenggu at a rooftop bar called Loof at 5pm. There was still plenty of time left. Coming prepared with my laptop in my bag, I headed to National Library just opposite Bugis Junction to do some writing.
For the next 2, 3 hours or so, I was at the study lounge at level 5, pretty focused on writing a new Tumblr post about Jay Chou’s song “Mermaid” I had chosen as a theme song for my Wine Day artwork and drafting my then-upcoming AMLIFT post about my Halloween 2019 artwork. I wanted to put on my earphones to listen to some music videos which I was studying and preparing for writing, but I felt really uncomfortable to have them on my ears for too long somehow so I had to remove them from my ears after some time.
Probably around 3.30 or 4pm, I took a toilet break and went upstairs to level 6 or 7 to refill my water bottle. I began to feel pretty conscious about being alone and my surroundings as if “something” was following me but I stayed pretty calm and quiet throughout. After filling up my bottle, I took the escalator back down to level 5, suddenly feeling extra cautious that I might fall down the escalator anytime. I looked outside the window, imagining / seeing a vision of a woman falling outside from a top storey. I began to worry that I might be subconsciously harbouring suicidal thoughts again.
Around 4.45pm, I packed up my bag and made one last trip to the toilet again to touch up a little with lipstick (so that I looked less pale) as I got myself ready for my date like a real one. I began to let my guard down and started talking to myself again as I got myself into a good mood of “meeting” my girlfriend Taenggu. The Loof rooftop bar is just a 5-10 minute walking distance away from National Library. As I made my way there, I felt myself getting a little whiny and my thoughts getting a bit more playful. Thoughts like “yeah I will be able to make it to the bar on time!”, “oh maybe Taenggu is already there waiting for me!” came into my head. Though for a moment, I worried if the joke was getting a little too far either way and I had to make a little mental note to myself that it wasn’t the physical Taenggu I would be expecting so that I wouldn’t be disappointed when I didn’t see her there later on.
When I reached the building, I took the lift up to level 3 where the bar is and I thought I heard a strange “eeeeek” sound in the lift. Before I had time to think what it was, the lift opened and what greeted me was the prettily furnished rooftop bar. There was a group of staff at a corner having a meeting. Once they saw me, they wrapped up the meeting and began operations officially for the evening. Yes, I was their very first customer of the day who arrived promptly at their opening time, 5pm!! LOL.
I was led by a waitress to a table in the non-smoking area at my request.
I got myself a glass of their house red wine and a plate of Chilli Crab Waffle Fries. The wine was bittersweet to my liking and OMG, the chilli crab fries were extremely SUPERB! I enjoyed the food very much. I was in a pretty good mood then, to be honest.
From where I was seated, I could see the view of our iconic Marina Bay Sands at a distance away very clearly.
While sipping on my red wine, I shared a story of how I used to work as a waitress serving wine at a one-night event at MBS Skybar with a friend many years ago when I was still a student. That was my first and only time I ever got a chance to go up to one of the highest floors of MBS and get the bird eye’s view of our beautiful skyline from up there. It was a truly unique experience for me otherwise I wouldn’t have seen how it looked like from up there at the boat-like structure because even a night’s stay at MBS would have cost me a bomb.
As I was finishing the fries, I decided to order another glass of wine. At this point of time, I visited the AllKpop website on my phone to update myself on Kpop news (a habit I began to develop ever since Seungri’s Burning Sun scandal). Only then I finally realised what happened – Sulli was found dead in her apartment after taking her own life earlier in the day….. I recalled all the thoughts and visions that were going on in my head earlier on and they all began to make sense now. But I had never expected anything like this would happen on Wine Day and another artiste like Sulli to have chosen to end her life after Jonghyun 2 years ago. It was shocking yet I stayed fairly calm while not knowing how exactly to react. Who is this ‘thing’ that might have been in/with me listening to my stories I shared at the bar on this day? All the whining (or aegyo in the cute way), all the smiling, it might have been Sulli with me all along.
I might not exactly know why she suddenly committed suicide, but I began to hear voices like “I’m so stupid/foolish…” which could suggest she might have done it in a moment of impulse or not thinking clearly… an act of folly. I drank my second glass of red wine as I started thinking about the situation seriously. I also tweeted to apologise that I wasn’t aware of the news of Sulli’s passing earlier on.
I held up my glass with the last few drops of red wine left and the view of MBS peering through, feeling the familiar smile of Sulli inside of me, a voice said, “I’m sorry too.”
Last 2 photos as I made my leave from the bar.
I took a quick trip to the toilet behind the bar, feeling very conscious about my surroundings. As I washed my hands at the basin, I had a vision of a stern-looking Sulli standing beside me, looking at me and she said, “Please stay cool.” I looked at myself in the mirror with a face frowning in sadness and grievance. I wasn’t sure if I was still me anymore.
I took almost an hour long bus ride from a bus stop near Loof back home. The journey felt really long and uncomfortable. But I was extremely relieved and happy when I saw our pet puppy, Tofu back at home.
I didn’t really have a good sleep that night. I was supposed to work for a part-time packer job at 42Race the very next day but I had a vision of Sulli saying “Don’t go” in between my consciousness so when I woke up the next morning, I just found some excuses not to go to work so that I could make myself free to recover from grief mentally and emotionally while writing my thoughts on social media. I experienced strange things like feeling my table shaking while I drafted my following instagram post over breakfast at Yakun and “something” pulling my bag from behind.
On the second day after Sulli’s passing, 16th October, I had a much better, undisturbed sleep. I published another Tumblr post wishing for Sulli to rest in peace in Heaven. Shortly after, I felt a surge of energetic pressure over me and knew it was a sign for me to perform theta healing that I learned. During the healing, I asked for Sulli to rest in peace and be in loving embrace of Heaven as I wrote in my Tumblr post. In the process, I had very clear visions of several chinese deities among the clouds rushing out to me as if to welcome Sulli. I paused for a moment, and a voice questioned, “是真的吗？(Is it really real?)” Then I was immediately shown a very clear vision of a very expensive white penthouse/mansion with a few palm trees in front of it. I was awed by the sight of it. I opened my eyes, a tear dropped down on my cheek. It was a strange feeling. I wasn’t aware that I had tears welling up in my eyes, as if the tears weren’t mine or I was tearing up unknowingly. I felt touched. I then saw visions of a happily smiling Sulli sitting at the table with me, like what’s next now?
Life goes on, I guess. Glad you came up. 🙏💜