“My name is Sulli, Sul means snow and Li means a pear flower, so I’ll be probably reborn as a flower that is small but full of strong vitality.”
On the morning of Wine Day, 14th October, I went for an interview for a part-time e-commerce assistant job for an online art & craft shop somewhere at Queenstown area. After I finished the interview in about 15 minutes, I took a bus to head down to Bugis. On the bus ride, I felt a wave of depression within me, my heart began to feel heavy and I started to feel a little breathless. I kept mumbling to myself (or a voice within me), “I’ll be okay… You’ll be okay… I’ll be fine….” to make myself feel better.
Then, my bus passed by a shophouse with a familiar sign that says “Forever”. I used to take a photo of this sign and posted it on my personal instagram as one of my secret codes to Taenggu as a hint to SNSD’s song “Forever” as far back as in 2013. Seeing this sign sent a tinge of bittersweetness to my heavy heart as I recalled those old memories of 2013.
I alighted at Bugis Junction and went straight to a Thai eatery “Tuk Tuk Cha” for lunch. Recently I fell in love with their Tom Yum Chicken Rice Bowl and I was craving for it. So I ordered it as well as a glass of iced Thai milk tea to cool myself from the heat outside and the spiciness of the tom yum chicken.
It was a satisfying meal for me. Everything felt calm and normal thus far. It was only about 1pm then. I had planned to have a wine dinner date with Taenggu at a rooftop bar called Loof at 5pm. There was still plenty of time left. Coming prepared with my laptop in my bag, I headed to National Library just opposite Bugis Junction to do some writing.
For the next 2, 3 hours or so, I was at the study lounge at level 5, pretty focused on writing a new Tumblr post about Jay Chou’s song “Mermaid” I had chosen as a theme song for my Wine Day artwork and drafting my then-upcoming AMLIFT post about my Halloween 2019 artwork. I wanted to put on my earphones to listen to some music videos which I was studying and preparing for writing, but I felt really uncomfortable to have them on my ears for too long somehow so I had to remove them from my ears after some time.
Probably around 3.30 or 4pm, I took a toilet break and went upstairs to level 6 or 7 to refill my water bottle. I began to feel pretty conscious about being alone and my surroundings as if “something” was following me but I stayed pretty calm and quiet throughout. After filling up my bottle, I took the escalator back down to level 5, suddenly feeling extra cautious that I might fall down the escalator anytime. I looked outside the window, imagining / seeing a vision of a woman falling outside from a top storey. I began to worry that I might be subconsciously harbouring suicidal thoughts again.
Around 4.45pm, I packed up my bag and made one last trip to the toilet again to touch up a little with lipstick (so that I looked less pale) as I got myself ready for my date like a real one. I began to let my guard down and started talking to myself again as I got myself into a good mood of “meeting” my girlfriend Taenggu. The Loof rooftop bar is just a 5-10 minute walking distance away from National Library. As I made my way there, I felt myself getting a little whiny and my thoughts getting a bit more playful. Thoughts like “yeah I will be able to make it to the bar on time!”, “oh maybe Taenggu is already there waiting for me!” came into my head. Though for a moment, I worried if the joke was getting a little too far either way and I had to make a little mental note to myself that it wasn’t the physical Taenggu I would be expecting so that I wouldn’t be disappointed when I didn’t see her there later on.
When I reached the building, I took the lift up to level 3 where the bar is and I thought I heard a strange “eeeeek” sound in the lift. Before I had time to think what it was, the lift opened and what greeted me was the prettily furnished rooftop bar. There was a group of staff at a corner having a meeting. Once they saw me, they wrapped up the meeting and began operations officially for the evening. Yes, I was their very first customer of the day who arrived promptly at their opening time, 5pm!! LOL.
I was led by a waitress to a table in the non-smoking area at my request.
I got myself a glass of their house red wine and a plate of Chilli Crab Waffle Fries. The wine was bittersweet to my liking and OMG, the chilli crab fries were extremely SUPERB! I enjoyed the food very much. I was in a pretty good mood then, to be honest.
From where I was seated, I could see the view of our iconic Marina Bay Sands at a distance away very clearly.
While sipping on my red wine, I shared a story of how I used to work as a waitress serving wine at a one-night event at MBS Skybar with a friend many years ago when I was still a student. That was my first and only time I ever got a chance to go up to one of the highest floors of MBS and get the bird eye’s view of our beautiful skyline from up there. It was a truly unique experience for me otherwise I wouldn’t have seen how it looked like from up there at the boat-like structure because even a night’s stay at MBS would have cost me a bomb.
As I was finishing the fries, I decided to order another glass of wine. At this point of time, I visited the AllKpop website on my phone to update myself on Kpop news (a habit I began to develop ever since Seungri’s Burning Sun scandal). Only then I finally realised what happened – Sulli was found dead in her apartment after taking her own life earlier in the day….. I recalled all the thoughts and visions that were going on in my head earlier on and they all began to make sense now. But I had never expected anything like this would happen on Wine Day and another artiste like Sulli to have chosen to end her life after Jonghyun 2 years ago. It was shocking yet I stayed fairly calm while not knowing how exactly to react. Who is this ‘thing’ that might have been in/with me listening to my stories I shared at the bar on this day? All the whining (or aegyo in the cute way), all the smiling, it might have been Sulli with me all along.
I might not exactly know why she suddenly committed suicide, but I began to hear voices like “I’m so stupid/foolish…” which could suggest she might have done it in a moment of impulse or not thinking clearly… an act of folly. I drank my second glass of red wine as I started thinking about the situation seriously. I also tweeted to apologise that I wasn’t aware of the news of Sulli’s passing earlier on.
I held up my glass with the last few drops of red wine left and the view of MBS peering through, feeling the familiar smile of Sulli inside of me, a voice said, “I’m sorry too.”
Last 2 photos as I made my leave from the bar.
I took a quick trip to the toilet behind the bar, feeling very conscious about my surroundings. As I washed my hands at the basin, I had a vision of a stern-looking Sulli standing beside me, looking at me and she said, “Please stay cool.” I looked at myself in the mirror with a face frowning in sadness and grievance. I wasn’t sure if I was still me anymore.
I took almost an hour long bus ride from a bus stop near Loof back home. The journey felt really long and uncomfortable. But I was extremely relieved and happy when I saw our pet puppy, Tofu back at home.
I didn’t really have a good sleep that night. I was supposed to work for a part-time packer job at 42Race the very next day but I had a vision of Sulli saying “Don’t go” in between my consciousness so when I woke up the next morning, I just found some excuses not to go to work so that I could make myself free to recover from grief mentally and emotionally while writing my thoughts on social media. I experienced strange things like feeling my table shaking while I drafted my following instagram post over breakfast at Yakun and “something” pulling my bag from behind.
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2 years after Jonghyun left us, his other SM colleague, Sulli had chosen to end her life too yesterday. It came as a shocking news to me as I read the news while I was drinking red wine on a rooftop bar on Wine Day yesterday. To think she just released her self-composed song "Goblin" about a mental illness called dissociative disorder in June this year….. 2 years after 2 years, when is the entertainment company and the world ever going to do something about their idols suffering from depression and the whole kpop industry? R.I.P Sulli. Hope you are now much happier on the other side. Be in the loving arms of Heaven. Just realised you were born on the same day and year as my younger brother. 💕💕💕 #sulli #choijinri #최진리 #설리 #ripsulli
On the second day after Sulli’s passing, 16th October, I had a much better, undisturbed sleep. I published another Tumblr post wishing for Sulli to rest in peace in Heaven. Shortly after, I felt a surge of energetic pressure over me and knew it was a sign for me to perform theta healing that I learned. During the healing, I asked for Sulli to rest in peace and be in loving embrace of Heaven as I wrote in my Tumblr post. In the process, I had very clear visions of several chinese deities among the clouds rushing out to me as if to welcome Sulli. I paused for a moment, and a voice questioned, “是真的吗？(Is it really real?)” Then I was immediately shown a very clear vision of a very expensive white penthouse/mansion with a few palm trees in front of it. I was awed by the sight of it. I opened my eyes, a tear dropped down on my cheek. It was a strange feeling. I wasn’t aware that I had tears welling up in my eyes, as if the tears weren’t mine or I was tearing up unknowingly. I felt touched. I then saw visions of a happily smiling Sulli sitting at the table with me, like what’s next now?
Life goes on, I guess. Glad you came up. 🙏💜