It was a mystery how Taenggu could have found me in 2013. It was a miracle if she did. All I knew was not long after Girls’ Generation (SNSD) ended their promotions for I Got A Boy (the song that marked the beginning of my schizophrenia and mystical spiritual journey), Taenggu made an instagram account for the purpose of personally connecting with her fans. She became the first member in SNSD to do so. Despite her efforts in reaching out, I did not initially follow her account and tried my best to avoid looking at her updates due to the bizarre, hallucinating thoughts I had, thinking that if I followed her closely, those evil spirits who had been haunting me would get to her easily. And so in moments of my worst schizophrenic episodes in my life, I blocked her almost completely out of my life. But there were that rare one or two instances when I couldn’t stand it and would secretly peep at her instagram quickly to see what she posted and I would drown myself in tears knowing she seemed to be doing fine while I was on the other side of the world suffering in pain.
My mental suffering reached its tipping point when I was admitted to Institute of Mental Health undergoing treatment for mild schizophrenia and depression. It suddenly seemed like everything didn’t matter so much anymore so I finally clicked the follow button on her instagram.
Even then, I didn’t make any comments or send any DMs to reach out to her for I was pessimistic that she would ever read them and respond. To preserve my pride and dignity, I rather not make what would seem like a futile effort in vain to make her notice me. For a long period of time, I was just a silent follower watching her from afar. One day, though, I wished I could tell her my story personally.
Yes I was that pessimistic, yet I was also optimistic that if Taenggu was sincere about finding me and that I deserved to be found by her, Heaven would pave the way for us.
It was still puzzling to me till now how she even knew my name in the first place. Did those alien voices in my head reveal my name during I Got A Boy performances? But then again, Heaven is known to be a place full of miracles, right? It’s hard for us physical beings to explain exactly how, when and why it happened but it just did. She found me. I believed she did.