April had been a really difficult month for me. It seemed to get harder and harder to get pass day after day being stuck with an office job that I didn’t enjoy. I guess it was that time of the year again. The time had come again for me to seriously ponder and make important decisions for my next move. If you recall what happened to me last year at this same time of the year, I had lost my job at a company which was honestly one of its kind in Singapore and was so good in all aspects that it was hard for everyone around me to believe that such a job actually existed at that time. By fate or by someone else’s evil intentions, the company was forced to shut. On the good side, I was freed. On the bad side, my mind was not. I later on did some pretty bad moves. Sometimes I win, sometimes I learn.
One year later, I’m feeling the same kind of energy returning again. I’m faced with similar but a little different kind of situation. But I know this is a sign that Heaven is giving me a second chance. If I could start over again, what would be my next move in this chess play of life?
Those days in April, I was feeling really lost. My mind was in a mess. Constantly feeling myself under attacks, psychically. I felt an urgent need to take action and attempt to change my situation. I needed to do something to take control of my life.
That was when I came across an advertisement for an upcoming 3-day Theta Healing Basic DNA course that would take place over the Easter weekend. Learning how to release wayward spirits and overcome psychic attacks are among the many topics that would be taught at the course. “Just what I really need to learn right now!” I thought. What’s more, the students of this course could even walk away with a certificate that would certify themselves as a basic practitioner of Theta Healing by the end of the course. If you recall one of the first things I did after I became jobless last year, it was to take up a 3-day Adobe Illustrator course which cost me roughly $600 (read post: LOVE DIARY: LEARNING ADOBE ILLUSTRATOR). The time had come round again that would see me spending a sum of money on learning a new skill as an investment. Guess how much does this 3-day (ALSO 3 DAYS!) Theta Healing course cost? Also $600! Life is funny, isn’t it?
But I was more careful this time. Would learning this skill be truly beneficial for me and help to make my life better in the long run? And I was also concerned. Would this course be safe for people like me who has a schizophrenia background?
Keen on taking part in this course, I initiated an email to the trainer, who is a very experienced and certified healer of many years herself, to express my concerns. She suggested me to go down to have a separate one-on-one healing session with her first so that she could access my condition and clear whatever that needs to be cleared from me first before she deems whether I’m fit for the course. And that would require me to spend an additional $100+ on top of the course fees. Because I felt the total necessity of this pre-session before she and I decide if this course is really suitable for me, I agreed to it.
But I tried to keep this under wraps as much as possible. I kept it only to myself and didn’t even let my family and friends that I was going to a healing session. I felt this was a very personal thing and wanted to minimise any energy interference from the outside world as much as I could. But internally, during the days leading up to my appointment date, I could feel the energy burden on me was building up. I couldn’t wait to meet the healer to rid myself of all these negative energies surrounding me.
Finally I made it to the day of our first meeting (kept feeling like I might get killed anytime in between). It was a Monday. I headed down to the healer’s place after work.
We met. Sat down on 2 sofa chairs facing each other. She had a notebook and a pen with her. She started asking me questions. I answered and she took down notes. It actually felt like a psychotherapy session of some sort. It’s ironic that I didn’t even get any single therapy sessions like this when I was admitted in IMH (Institute of Mental Health) in 2013.
Anyway, below were the rough conversations we had, all that I could remember from our session that night.
She: “So tell me how it started. How/Why were you diagnosed of schizophrenia?
Me: “It started a few years ago. In 2013.”
She: “You were already working then? Or still studying?”
Me: “I was still in university.”
She: “Final year? About to graduate?”
Me: “No, errr… it was second year, I think… first semester… or something. Oh no, it was second sem. (I was starting to have some trouble trying to recall the exact details).”
Me (continued): “I first started hearing voices around me. I became very sensitive. Wherever I went, on buses and trains especially, I heard a lot of whispering voices. They were very soft. I couldn’t exactly hear what they were talking about. But I felt like they were actually talking about me behind my back. Gossiping. Those voices didn’t stop even when I went back home. And I also began to think that the people around me, my family and friends, were all possessed by spirits…”
She: “Why did you think they were possessed?”
Me: “I felt their facial expressions looked very strange. As if they were hiding something from me. It was like I could see something inside of them… like a layer over them… like beings from another dimension… like…”
She: “Yeah, like it’s all in their subconsciousness…”
SHE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND!
Me: “I think I was possessed too. Like there were multiple personalities inside of me.”
She: “Why did you think so? Were they violent? Did they try to take control of you?”
Me: “No, it was just very subtle. I could feel them inside of me. Like I couldn’t stay sitting in a single posture for long. I felt like I had to change my posture every few seconds (every posture represents different entity in me)…”
She: “You felt like your movements were restricted.”
Me: “Yeah. Like those movements weren’t mine.”
She: “Okay I will clear those entities, those possessions away from you later. But how did you end up getting diagnosed of schizophrenia?”
Me: “Back then, I told my parents that I had been hearing voices and felt like there were some evil spirits after me. They brought me to all sorts of temples and places of worships. They all said there was nothing wrong with me, just slightly depressed. My mum also brought me to see a psychologist. He said it could be due to stress from school or an imaginary friend I made when I was a kid. But the voices and my psychotic experiences got worse and worse that they even affected my studies. When I looked into the mirror everyday, I looked very different.”
She: “What did you see?”
Me: “Visibly it was still… myself… but I felt I could see a different person inside of me each day. And I looked very depressed.”
Me (continued): “Up to a certain point, I thought I could no longer take it anymore. I volunteered for my parents to take me to see a doctor. They took me to…errr.. I think it was Tan Tock Seng hospital… or was it Khoo Teck Puat? We went there. Then the doctor there referred me to IMH instead. We waited for very long. It was already late at night when the doctor at IMH saw me. She gave me the option of getting admitted to the hospital or I could go back home and take the medicine they would prescribe me. I chose to get myself admitted because I thought my house was haunted at that time so I wanted a change of environment to get away from that place.”
Me (continued): “So I was admitted there for a week. It wasn’t actually a ward. They put me to stay at a place called Sayang Wellness Centre. Then they gave me some medicine to take.”
She: “What medicine did they give you?”
Me: “It was called Risperidone.”
She: “Risperidone? (about to write it down on her notebook too but stopped) Hmm, never heard of it.”
Me: “I was also given some medicine to treat depression to lift my mood.”
She: “Were you diagnosed of depression too?”
Me: “Err yeah… I was told that schizophrenia usually comes with depression.”
Me (continued): “I remembered on my first night after eating the risperidone pills, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like my head was burning on fire. It was really chaotic.”
At this point, the expression on her face seemed to suggest that she found this a little ridiculous.
She: “Did the voices get worse? Were they angry with you for getting them to the hospital? What did they say?”
Me (feeling unsure): “No… not really. No, but yeah maybe (desperately trying to recall what they said)… I can’t really remember now.”
Then I went on to fill her in with more background story of how I actually started hearing those voices. The timelines of the specific events that happened to me were a little jumbled up here and there when I tried to tell her about them.
Me: “The voices actually started when I was watching some Kpop performance videos. There was one particular girl group in Korea that I’m a fan of which is called So Nyuh Shi Dae.”
She: “What? What’s the name of the group?”
Me: “Err… So Nyuh Shi Dae. SNSD. They are called Girls’ Generation in English.”
She: “Oh, Girls’ Generation.”
Me: “Yeah. At that time, they made a comeback with a song called “I Got A Boy”. They performed the song on some music broadcast programs in Korea. And when I watched their performances online, I could hear strange voices in those videos when they were performing…”
At this point, I felt some goosebumps on my legs. And surprisingly, she also said the following.
She: “Oh I’m getting goosebumps now when I hear this. This means what you said is true, you know?”
I nodded. I was actually pretty calm when she said this. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone could come and tell me that what I said about hearing strange, extraterrestrial voices in the videos is true because I have always strongly believed so. But it took awhile before it finally sunk in that she actually was the FIRST person who confirmed it to me in my face!
Me (continued): “Yes when I heard those voices, I believed they were real. Like they came from another dimension. At first, I was just a bystander who happened to observe this phenomenon. But later on, suddenly these voices became part of my life too. I began to hear voices wherever I went. It was scary. I believed they were spirits. But at that time I knew nothing about the spiritual world. It was a very new thing to me. I didn’t know how to tell my parents about it too. I could only tell them that I had been hearing voices and felt like I was possessed. They only could bring me to temples to pray but that didn’t solve the problem. Sometimes I felt like there was a little boy inside of me too. Going to school, studying and taking exams with me… I couldn’t think properly.”
She: “Just now you said the song that Girls’ Generation performed was called?”
Me: “I Got A Boy.”
She: “I Got A Boy…” (she noted that down on her notebook – she probably found a connection between the two)
Me (jumping further back in the timeline): “I actually had a hobby that started way back in 2011. I began watching various artistes’ performance videos to listen to the background audience singing voices. I always felt like there was something magical about it. Like some sort of spiritual singing that comes from another dimension. Like a layer of angelic voices above our normal human voices…”
She (seemed intrigued): “What made you want to observe these things?”
Me: “I don’t really know… I grew obsessed with it. Like there was something pulling me in to delve deeper into these things. It all started because of one member in Girls’ Generation named Taeyeon… She’s actually my most favourite member. I began to observe her facial expressions closely… I suddenly felt like I could understand how she was feeling inside…”
She (nodded): “Like you can read their thoughts…”
Me: “Yeah. I felt like there was something strange about her when she was performing. She looked kinda sad or troubled…”
She: “She looked depressed? She was crying?”
Me: “Yeah, she looked visibly depressed. A little teary. But when she came to Singapore, I felt like there was something special about our audience that gave her energy… Then I started to notice our beautiful singing voices. That was how I began to study and examine these voices and even other artistes’ expressions to correlate the two together…”
The above was the rough content I had shared with her. She then offered her own explanation of why I was experiencing these things which people in the modern medical world simply referred to as a form of mental illness called schizophrenia.
She: “As we all know, all these Kpop idols have to go through intense, rigorous trainings from their entertainment companies. They are under very high pressure and stress to consistently perform well… Have you read the book “Secret”? (also mentioned the titles of some other similar books)”
Me: “Yes, I have read Secret before.”
She: “Some people who learned about this law of attraction abused it. Some artistes (I was also thinking it could be the company management themselves) could have used it to attract fans and sell their music… (but she didn’t elaborate further on how they could have abused the law of attraction)”
She (continued): “For you, because you keep thinking about those things every day and night, this whole dimension opens itself up to you. You are suddenly exposed to this new dimension but you did not know how to deal with it…”
She then proceeded to perform some healings on me to remove all the entities and wayward spirits that were attached onto me (shan’t go into the details).
Before we concluded our session, wishing to get one last possible confirmation from her on my mysterious connection to Taenggu, I asked the following.
Me: “I always have a strong feeling that Taeyeon herself seems to know me in person. Like she’s responsive and alive in my head…”
She: “Yes, because you have been consistently thinking about it, she got attracted to you. Your thoughts create your own reality so it comes true in your reality…” (don’t know if it was an indirect confirmation or she could be suggesting that although it is true in my reality, it may not be true in everyone else’s reality.)
Me: “But these few years, I have been observing for a long time. I keep finding several connections between us two.”
She: “Hmm, could you possibly have past life connections with her?”
Me: “I don’t really know…”
As I had only booked her for an one-hour session, we had no time to delve further into that possibility.
Before I left, she asked me again, “What made you so interested in these spiritual audience singing?”
SERIOUSLY, I DON’T REALLY KNOW.
A gut feeling? An inner desire? A calling? My spiritual purpose? It still remains a mystery for that part for now.
But that night, I went back home with some answers (finally!) with more certainty and also a lot… emptier. I realised without all those entities which she had just released from me, I was just an empty, extremely depressed shell. Why every time a healing was done on me (I tried remote shamanic healing once 2 years ago too), I didn’t actually feel happier but rather, I felt even more depressed and lonely?
Taenggu seemed to know about it too even though I didn’t openly write about the healing session I had on twitter as I did previously. On the next day, she posted these 2 pieces on instastory.
Emptiness. All the same. Exactly what I was feeling at the moment. She does always seem like she knows a thing or two about what I am going through even though I don’t necessarily have to openly express it on twitter or anywhere else on social media, isn’t it?
I told the healer about the emptiness I felt after the healing session too. She promised that we would replace the feelings of emptiness and fill it with unconditional love in the 3-day Theta Healing Basic DNA course which I had confirmed to be attending over that coming weekend…
As truth prevails and hope awaits… 💜