Taeyeon’s Diary: “Four Seasons” A Song About Her Relationship With Music

27 March 2019

난 처음에 전혀 공감할 수 없었고
내 이야기가 아니라고 생각했을 뿐더러
억지로 짜맞추려 하기까지 하며
나름의 노력을 했음에도
내 경험과 배경과는 다르다고 느꼈어
근데 지금 갑자기 사계를 들으며 번쩍
떠오르는 것이 내가 서른이 될 때까지
그 동안 내 인생에 가장 큰
비중을 차지했던 음악과 나의 이야기가
아닐까 하는 생각이 드네
지금의 내 상태와 평생을 함께해 온
음악과 노래와 다투고 사랑하고
늘 그렇게
그렇고 그런

뻔하게 하는 음악과 결혼햇써요
이딴말 말고 정말 음악을 하며,
노래를 하며 얘네랑 느껴왔던 감정을
그대로 접목시키니까
이제 사계 완전 내 노래 맞는 거 같애
나 그래서 지금 기분이 참 묘하네
다행이야 내가 진심으로
노래 할 수 있을 거 같아서

오늘의 일기 끝.


At first, I couldn’t identify at all
I thought it wasn’t my story
And I forced myself to adjust
Even though I put in effort
I felt my experience and background was different
But now as I listen to “Four Seasons”, what suddenly comes to mind is that it’s
(this song could be about) music, that took up the greatest importance in my life up to the point I turned thirty, and my story.
It’s about my current state and how I fought and loved music and songs that have accompanied me forever.
Something like that.

Not obvious words like “I’m married to music” but truly making music and singing, and all of the emotions that I felt is distilled exactly as is, so now I think “Four Seasons” is totally my song.
My feeling right now is truly peculiar.
Thankfully, I can sing it sincerely.

End of today’s diary.

My Reflections

Like Taenggu, I also wasn’t able to personally connect myself to the song when I read up on the lyrics of “Four Seasons” (see the English translated lyrics here). So rather than appreciating the song for its lyrics, I enjoyed the visual elements portrayed in its official music video and the melody instead. In my recent post LOVE SIGNS FROM TAENGGU: WHEN TRACES OF INSPIRATIONS FROM THE SNOW GLOBE, MY ARTWORKS AND ALL MY OTHER FAVOURITE THINGS APPEARED IN HER NEW “FOUR SEASONS” MUSIC VIDEO, I said that while the music video seemed to be alluding it to be a breakup song about the relationship between Taenggu and a fan, I didn’t want to think of myself as that fan being referred to in it because it was different from my own true story.

It’s nice to know that Taenggu had a struggle in identifying herself with the song at the start too. It’s reassuring to know that she also didn’t think this song was rightly made for us or truly reflected her (our) love story in any way. It suddenly made sense why she had that expression at the end in the following video with a big “NO” gif sticker that she posted on her instastory a week before “Four Seasons” was released.

It was a video she had taken during her practice rehearsing for her upcoming encore concert in Seoul then. She had it muted, so no fans could tell which song she was singing at that point of time. After her new singles were released a week later, she reposted the same video on instagram, this time with the sound on. It turned out she was actually singing “Four Seasons”.

She must have been thinking, “No way, this isn’t really my song!”

A few days later, she wrote the above little diary entry to us on her instastory, explaining her initial concerns over whether she would be able to sing this song sincerely as it doesn’t reflect her own story. But after shifting her perspective to connecting it to her relationship with music rather than a person, she now thinks that “Four Seasons”, as she puts it, is totally her song.

Speaking of this, being someone who has been observing artistes’ expressions from their performance fancams closely for years, I think being able to sing a song sincerely from the heart is really important for singers because sincerity shows on their facial expressions. It makes me feel connected. I can understand why Taenggu was worried about being able to identify herself to her songs in order to sing them sincerely. She has her own struggles.

In fact, in early February, when she was asked about the album she was preparing on her instalive, she revealed the difficulties she faced in creating works that would accurately reflect her current state and story.

In the end, what were eventually released by the end of March later on were only 2 singles, Four Seasons and Blue. I believe these weren’t actually the only songs she had been consistently preparing since last year. How about songs like Love You Like Crazy, Do You Love Me, Gravity, Here I Am and even Pray, which were only sung at her concerts but were never commercially released to the public? SM must be thinking, these songs are so deeply personal to Taenggu’s own love life, if fans were to know who’s the main character behind these songs, would the fans still buy them? No.

On 29th January, Taenggu already seemed to be hinting that her 2nd full album was not going to be realised.

I guess this has been the long-time struggle Taenggu is facing as an idol singer. I could see that as she grows older and matures as a professional singer, the more she wants to stay true to herself. She no longer wants to fake a false image in front of millions of her innocent fans. To be able to sing her own songs is her dream. To be able to sing them with sincerity from her heart is her goal.

탱구야, 화이팅! No matter what, I will definitely be standing on your side, rooting for you. 💪🏼💜

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