#32 Monthsary: Always My / Your Number One

“You are always my number one. And my only one.”
Celeste Koh


My 32nd monthsary drawing was a replication of my favourite photo of Taenggu in the month of September 2017.

Reference photo for my 32nd monthsary drawing

It was taken from one of the photos on her instagram carousel post (the second one) after her performance at Asia Song Festival on 24th September.

Why I chose this photo was because of the number one hand sign which she posed in the photo with. Not sure if I had mentioned about it before here on this blog, this number one hand sign has a special meaning to me. To me, it means number one, it means s-ONE, and eventually, it became my symbol for mind-singing. When Taenggu posed with that hand sign in her photos, I saw it as a secret shoutout to me who had accompanied her with mind-singing at her performance in Asia Song Festival that night. I was honoured. I was dignified. It came at the right time when I needed an affirmation for what I had done for her through mind-singing all those while.

The month of September in 2017 was a period of depression for me. As the events in that month unfolded (as I had shared here in my posts a few months ago), I was forced to confront the complexity of my situation in that point of time (the purpose of mind singing, the uncertainties in my relationship with Taenggu, the direction of my future, contemplating about a career switch etc).

I began losing sleep at nights because of disturbing voices. That was when I started writing my stories on instagram more actively. I felt obliged to. I felt something was pestering me to write more, share more about what I knew about Taenggu, what I had done for her, what happened between us and most importantly, what happened to me. Something was digging into my head, stirring up my emotions and indignity. I guess it was a divine intervention. It was a red light signalling that I urgently needed to do something about my life now. There were many things I needed to tell Taenggu. It was now or never.

From what used to be an once-a-week thing, it now has become a daily routine for me to update my instagram with new stories with Taenggu every day. I guess I’m finally doing justice to the name of my instagram account this way. @lovestorieswithtaenggu is finally living up to its name now!

But that aside, I later on found out that my depression period seemed to collide with the period when the SNSD members were undergoing discussions about the renewal of their contracts with SM because not long after I tided over my depression in September, it was revealed in early October that 3 members of SNSD (Sooyoung, Tiffany and Seohyun) had decided to end their contracts with SM and left the company. Everything, including my depression, had happened for a reason. This was one example why I always say my life is connected with SNSD’s ever since my schizophrenia broke out in 2013.

The quote that I had written on my drawing has a small story behind it too. In 2015, the first year when I got together with Taenggu, when our extraordinary, out-of-the-world experience was still new to us, I would often hear her voice saying “number one, you’re my number one” in my head. Or sometimes, she would say “You’re my number one fan in the world.” At that time, rather than feeling happy about it, I would get sad. I would respond to her, half-jokingly, “I’m your number one? Not your only one? I’m just a fan to you?” At that time, my attitude was, I wished I could be the only one whom she needed to depend on.

3 years later now, I’ve gotten over it and am able to see her words in a more optimistic way. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am indeed not the only one; there are millions other fans who love her, adore her, support her and cheer for her as much as I do, thus to be her number one fan out of the millions is truly an honour. But I hope I could be her only lover she would ever need. “You are always my number one and my only one” are the words I want to say to her. I hope she wants to say the same thing to me too! 💜

Flower for the month:

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