It’s not that I feel cold, it’s my heart that is snowing. But thanks for trying to warm my cold heart.
This was another idea that was inspired from my Korea trip. The words I had in my mind were originally in Chinese because I thought it sounded more poetic in Chinese (also because there are times when I tend to express myself better in Chinese too). It starts off with, “不是我冷，是我的心在下雪。(It’s not that I feel cold, it’s my heart that is snowing.)” Especially while on the flight back to Singapore, these words kept ringing in my mind. I envisioned a heart with winter trees covered by thick layers of snow – a snowy heart.
I thought about the cold winter in Korea. Did I feel cold? Yes, but it felt much better than how it was in 2015 because I knew better how to keep myself warmer this time by wearing more layers and the right type of winter clothing. But I felt like I still shivered not because of the physical cold, I shivered because of the coldness of reality of not being able to meet Taenggu personally. My heart turned cold and my body turned colder.
So, I transformed the words into a little art piece and posted it first on 7th January.
Immediately after I did the first part of this art piece, I had an idea for a follow-up to this piece which was perfectly timed for the upcoming Candle Day exactly a week later. It follows, “但谢谢你愿意尝试温暖我寒冷的心。(But thanks for trying to warm my cold heart.)” It was a plot twist. It was to thank Taenggu for being spiritually by my side all these time. She has been like a candle always trying to warm my cold heart all these while.
Although Taenggu not being there physically by my side during my Korea trip was a fact, I can’t deny the fact that she was always trying to stay spiritually present in my mind all the time. Even though there were times when I appeared cold towards her (I tend to become even quieter when I feel sad), she never ceased to be there for me; she never did give up on me.
The following are a few spiritual moments that I remembered vividly during my trip.
When her “The Magic Of Christmas Time” concert ended, learning from my previous concert experience at her Butterfly Kiss concert in Busan in 2016, I wondered if I should stay and wait awhile longer. And I did. I lingered around in the concert hall and made sure I was one of the very last ones to leave when I was sure that there wasn’t any sign that Taenggu was going to come out from backstage again. When I was outside, there was a group of fans waiting along the roadside for Taenggu. “Maybe she would come out in a car waving to fans, just like last time too,” I thought. So I waited there too. Then, at the back of my mind, Taenggu appeared, wearing a thick coat, a beanie on her head, a scarf around her neck and even a pair of gloves on her hands. It was such a lovely image of her dressed so warmly. She said to me warmly, “Let’s go!” But stubbornly, I continued to wait. My mind was all about the physical Taenggu at that time. Maybe I could see one last glimpse of her if I waited just a little longer. I didn’t want to leave with regrets like the Butterfly Kiss concert in Busan. But I waited and waited until it seemed like it was unlikely that Taenggu would come out anytime soon, I finally left. I slowly walked my way to the nearest metro station while sobbing quietly. Whether that lovely spiritual image of Taenggu did follow me or not, I wasn’t aware.
In the following days in Korea, I felt depressed and was on a little cold war with her. It could also be a sign of getting influenced and disturbed by bad spirits when I was feeling low. On the second morning when I woke up, I saw a vision of Taenggu saying something like “excuse me” in Korean (I think it was jamsimanyo) while pushing the spirits that were crowding around away from me so that she could get through the path to me. I was touched by that action. It just showed how protective she was as a person to me.
These spiritual moments, although not many that I could remember, form my own precious memories I had of her. Although our physical moments may be rare, at least all that I could remember of her is a warm-hearted Taenggu who is constantly trying to warm my heart by doing all that she can just to make me happy.
The following photo from Seohyun puts a nice conclusion to my story in this post.
“Dress warmly. Your body needs to be warm so that your heart can be warm too.”
Yeah, let’s dress warmly in this cold winter and stay warm-hearted at all times!
HAPPY CANDLE DAY! 🕯💜