[BY TAEYEON] Just Stood Still, As Is


마음이 온통 색을 잃어가고 이유를 잃어가고 시간이 흘러서 무뎌지고.. 그저그런 진지하지 못한 푸석푸석한 대화라면 지금 당장은 넣어두는게 낫겠다 라며 말을 아끼고 입을 틀어막아 가만히 서 있었다. 그저 서 있기만했다 그대로


Heart is losing all colours, losing reason and as time passes, becomes dull.. If it’s going to be a rough conversation that’s not serious, then it’s better to keep right now inside, so words were saved, mouth was covered and stood still. Only just stood, as is.
Kim Taeyeon

[CHI TRANS by 金泰妍吧官方微博]

心全部失去了颜色,失去了理由,随着时间流逝,变得迟钝。。 如果仅仅是那样不真挚又脆弱易碎的对话,现在还是收回比较好吧。这样惜字如金地捂住嘴,静静地站着,就仅仅是站着而已就那样。


Original post from Taenggu dated on 10th December 2017:

The weeks leading up to my Korea trip last December was a period of uncertainty. Without any verbal direct words of confirmation from Taenggu, anything could happen. What exactly did Taenggu expect me to do during this trip? What should I expect, or not expect, from this trip? Would I get to meet her privately during this trip?

That day before she posted the above instagram post to express herself through these words, I remembered I was alone at home busy making my xmas cards while she was spending some private time with her brother, Jiwoong. While making my xmas cards, I heard voices asking, “Can we meet? Where are we meeting?…” Naturally, I thought they were referring to my upcoming Korea trip (coz I tend to think more towards the physical aspect of things as a conscious person). Not sure if I was the one who was asking or being asked this question, I replied, “Yeah, I want to meet! But where?” Was I supposed to be the one deciding where to meet? I wondered. But the response I received was feelings of uncertainty. Neither side was making a definite decision of our meeting place, so our conversation just trailed off like that.

After that, when Taenggu posted these words, I wondered if they were directed towards me. Indeed, after all the indefinite and endless waiting, my heart became tired. I began to expect or hope lesser for anything like a miracle to happen to me or between us. Also, was she indirectly saying that I wasn’t being serious in our “conversation” just now? Then, it boils down to the same old issue again.

When you speak to me in my subconsciousness, it’s really hard for me to reply anything back to you with certainty unless I’m really fully consciously aware of the topic you are talking about. If it was only the sentence “Hey, I just asked you something, answer me back!” (like what I just heard this morning) that seeped through my conscious mind, how could I reply you anything without knowing what you were asking me before this sentence? Then I would start to feel angry again, thinking about how advanced the world is today to have a phone to message anyone freely at any one time but no one was using it to message me directly to ask me your question.

A few weeks later, after I came back from my Korea trip, I tried to interpret her words again. This time, I thought maybe she was telling me not to do and say anything, but to just wait and observe silently for any change in situation in times of uncertainty. If our meeting was bound to happen, it would. If it wasn’t meant to happen, then just stood still. Just stood still, as is. 🍃

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