“叶子” by 阿桑 (“Leaves” by A-Sun)
我一个人吃饭 旅行 到处走走停停
也一个人看书 写信 自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里 就连自己看也看不清 我想我不仅仅是失去你
Leaves… are wings that cannot fly
Wings… are leaves that fell in the sky
Heaven… shouldn’t have been a delusion
Yet I’ve already forgotten how I took flight in the beginning
Solitude… is an one person’s party
Partying… is a group of people’s solitude
Love… started as accompanying someone
Yet I’ve forgotten what it was like to have someone for company
On my own, I ate, travelled, walked around and stopped between places
On my own, I also read books, wrote letters and had conversations with myself
But in the end, where did my heart wander off to? I can’t even tell clearly… I think I’ve lost more than just you
Leaves… are wings that cannot fly
Wings… are leaves that fell in the sky
This song was one of the inspirations I had during my recent trip to Korea in winter (23 Dec
2017-2 Jan 2018). How I was reminded of this song was because my friend was playing it from her phone while we were on a long road trip in the car travelling around Jeju. I thought the lyrics of the song fitted perfectly with my melancholic mood throughout my trip. It deeply resonated the idea of me being alone travelling in Korea without Taenggu physically by my side. It was a song of loneliness, a song of solitude. It was a perfect song to listen while travelling alone overseas while recovering from heartbreaks.
I wasn’t actually a stranger to the song. “Leaves” was one of the soundtracks from the Taiwanese drama 《薔薇之戀》(The Rose), a story adapted from the Japanese comic “Bara no Tame ni（薔薇のために)”, which was broadcasted in 2003. I watched this drama because my childhood idols, S.H.E were the main leads in it. Naturally, I loved this song “Leaves” by A-Sun which became popular because of the drama too (on a sidenote, the singer had already passed away due to breast cancer in 2009). Back then, I was just a 12-year old teenage girl who hadn’t fallen in love before and had yet to understand the reality of the adult world. Although I might not be able to grasp the true meaning behind its lyrics at such a young age, I still loved the song because of its tune.
Now at the age of 26 and having gone through a hard relationship with Taenggu, I can totally understand and relate to each and every word in the lyrics. Again, like other life songs I’ve shared about on my blog, it feels as if the lyrics are talking about me; as if the song was made for the future me when I was 12 years old.
Truthfully from my heart, in the spiritual sense, I could feel Taenggu being there for me all the while on this trip. But why was it still painful? It was due to my physical circumstances.
Going to Taenggu’s Christmas concert at Kyunghee University Hall of Peace on the very same day when I landed in Seoul unexpectedly turned out to be the most painful concert I had ever been to. A concert is meant to be an enjoyable thing to watch, isn’t it? But I didn’t know it would be so painful this time. For the first time, I found myself crying and tearing non-stop throughout a concert. My heart was so heavy. So heavy that I couldn’t bring myself to sing along with her anymore. At one point, I couldn’t take it and left the concert to go to the toilet just to cry. That was when I realised I wasn’t actually there to hear her sing anymore. I was actually there yearning for her to come forward and speak to me. I couldn’t help but think, why could she possibly bear to allow me to endure all these pain silently on my own all these while? Why was she so cruel and cold-hearted? I’m saying all these from my physical point of view. Yes, you might say she has been trying to be spiritually there for me all the time, but during my time in Korea, when I was confronted by the physical reality, the fact that she hadn’t physically done anything for me so far in my life was blatantly staring at me. How should I deceive myself from this truth? I questioned my importance in her heart. I questioned if she was serious about wanting my physical self to be part of her life. If I really was important, then why was she not doing anything to show me that I was? Right, because I couldn’t see, I couldn’t say she did anything for me. At the end of the concert, a voice said to me, “Let’s go! You are here to play!” Yeah right, if this trip wasn’t planned for the purpose of meeting my first love, then I had to pretend I was there to visit purely as a tourist.
The issue was, when I was in Seoul, there always existed a possibility of her coming to meet me because that’s the country she lives in. I assumed it was convenient for her to go anywhere at this familiar place of her home country. Even though I didn’t want to think about this possibility, my mind couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t dropping by to visit me. I couldn’t resist that thought. It was a natural thought, I guess. If you are my lover and you have flown to my country to visit, I would have made arrangements to meet you at all costs, isn’t it? That’s what lovers would do. I heard voices asking “Where are we meeting?” but were these voices coming from her? Did she really intend to meet me? If I were to tell her, okay let’s meet somewhere, would she really come down to meet me, I mean, physically? Or would she break my heart again for not turning up? I would prefer her to tell me directly that no, she couldn’t meet me this time, then I would not have to think about this possibility and would have coped better emotionally while travelling around on my own. But no, she didn’t text, she didn’t call. I had to keep on guessing what she was thinking inside.
It wasn’t started out to be a lonely trip; I was actually travelling with 3 other people – let’s refer them as Girl A, Guy A and Girl B. Girl A and Guy A are a couple while Girl B is single like me (Apparently everyone around me still think I’m single because they don’t know I’m on a secret relationship with Taenggu. Even if they knew about it, they would question the credibility of it. Anyway let’s just say, I’m still single as how it appears to be in my physical world.)
It was probably a mistake to be travelling with a couple. To keep it short, I felt like the couple’s existence was mocking at the fact of how lonely I was. They acted all lovey-dovey to the extent of casting me and Girl B aside as if we were being extra, just tagging along with them on their first overseas trip together, but the truth was, it started out to be an all-girls trip but it was Girl A who decided to pull Guy A in to join us. They were like rubbing salt to my wounds (I assumed it was unintentional as they didn’t know I just went through a heartbreaking moment with Taenggu). To make things worse, Guy A, being the only guy in our trip, only had Girl A in his eyes and would only help her with her luggages and carry even her small backpack most of the time while Girl B and I had to be strong and independent, lugging our heavy luggages all by ourselves. Even the Korean strangers and passersby were much more helpful than him.
What to do? Is this life training me to be lonely and independent in such a painful way despite being a woman? Can I have the right to rely on someone and be weaker sometimes? But if there was anything I was thankful for during this trip, I’m glad I had Girl B as my travel buddy when the couple ditched us aside. At least we had each other to complain about the couple with. Haha. 😝
My last 2 days in Seoul was spent travelling around on my own. My mood was like, I didn’t want to feel lonely, yet I wanted to be alone. It was often like that. I planned my next destination while on the go. Wherever my mind took me to, I just went. They were mostly cafes. And pretty much like what this song “Leaves” says, I had a quiet me-time, travelling alone, ate by myself, wrote letters, penned down my thoughts on instagram and had conversations with myself. Sometimes, I would wonder if Taenggu was still there with me or if there were “anyone” else by my side? I didn’t know who was with me, but I couldn’t ask and didn’t know who to approach, so I might as well just let it be.
Yes, the weather was cold, but my heart was colder.
While I was en route back to Singapore after our 10-day trip, a voice said gently, “Hope for a smooth recovery.” Yes, I need to recover from the pain of facing the seemingly harsh and cold reality of my Korea trip.
Now I’m back to Singapore, back to my surreality. 💜🙏
Before my trip, a voice said “你和Taenggu的感情亮红灯！” as if “he” was foretelling that Taenggu and I would be facing a difficult ordeal in our relationship.
On the first day when I arrived at Incheon Airport, I was hungry and asked my friends, “Let’s get some food to eat!” Girl A replied, “Okay but I’m not hungry yet.” Girl B made fun of me and said, “Haha you are rejected!” At this moment, a voice in my head said “Can’t handle rejections…” Probably referring to me.
At the end of my trip, I felt like I was returning home with a heart full of wounds. When I got back home, I tweeted the following photo.
Yeah, it kind of felt like I was rejected and defeated in my love with Taenggu. I had to keep telling myself, “it’s okay if our relationship doesn’t work out in the end, at least I’ve tried my best…”
Over the next few days, this song “Leaves” by A-Sun kept playing in my head. A voice eventually changed the lyrics to “Taenggu已经开始陪伴，自己对话谈心 （Taenggu already began to accompany you and have conversations with herself)” as if “she” was trying to defend and speak up for Taenggu.
On another day, I remembered hugging my Bobo as if I was hugging Taenggu when I heard Taenggu’s warm voice say to me, “We will make it.”
It was so reassuring. It put my mind at peace and helped me to let go of the pain of my trip finally. 😌