Hug Day 2017: Endure All The Pain Just To Be With You

“If you were a cactus, I’d endure all the pain just to hug you!”
Celeste Koh


The idea of this small paper art card came when I was looking for cactus-related quote online while preparing my writeup for the following cactus special instagram post on 26th November 2017.

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A LOVE CACTUS FOR YOU My latest handmade project for Taenggu – crocheting a mini cactus! 🌵🌵🌵 The main reason why I signed up for a beginner crochet workshop was because I knew we would be making a cactus during that class. I knew Taenggu likes cactus. I'm sure many SONEs have heard of this interesting fact about Taenggu – she admitted that she once gave a cactus to a girl she liked when she was 6 years old. I forgot where I first read this from but it left a deep impression in me. I found a tweet by a fellow SONE talking about it as a proof (3rd pic) and an old video (4th one) of Taenggu talking about her past when she made a love confession to someone who wasn't a guy? Lol. I used to post a few photos of cactus on my personal instagram between 2013 and 2014. Back then when I posted those pictures, I was actually thinking of Taenggu. I wonder if she got my love messages through these cactus photos back then? Hehe. Now I want to be the one giving a cactus to the girl I like, just like what Taenggu did when she was 6 years old. And at the same time, I want to be the girl receiving a cactus from her too!! 😍😍😍 . #taeyeon #taenggu #태연 #탱구 #cactus #love #lovemessage #cactusflower #girlcrush #crochet #handmade

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And I found this quote.

I thought the above quote was so amazingly suitable to use for the upcoming Hug Day (couple day for the month of December in Korea)! It made me visualise an image of a robot hugging a cactus. If Taenggu were the cactus, then I would be the robot.

One of the hardest things (or can I say, it’s the ultimate hardest?) in life for me is falling in love with a famous idol like her. There are so many obstacles to consider between us – think the feelings of millions of her fans, think her company, think her family and mine, think the views of the society at large towards LGBT issues, think the involvement of the spiritual world, and think many many more other things. The thorns of the cactus represent all these obstacles of being her lover. Getting closer to her risks getting pricked by her thorns. It isn’t as if I’m not scared of pain at all. But why did I still try to find chances to get close to her? Why did I still want to travel all the way to Korea to endure the pain of not being able to meet her personally and withstand the harsh coldness of winter at the same time?

I know it wouldn’t be easy. That was why I wanted to be a robot. A robot has a layer of metal to protect its body so that it wouldn’t get hurt by the thorns of a cactus. It is void of human emotions so it doesn’t know and feel the emotional pain of physical separation and heartbreaks too.

About 1-2 weeks before Hug Day, I wanted to start working on this idea of art. I was thinking, what kind of robot image can I use for this art? Then, Baymax came into my mind. I honestly haven’t watched the “Big Hero” movie before so I don’t know what the storyline is about and what Baymax’s character is like. But I do know him as this chubby robot that I used to see on the movie posters or advertisements. And from what I see from his pictures, he looks like he loves hugging people, which serves as a perfect character for my Hug Day art too. And the fact that this robot hugs people goes to show that he still has some form of human feelings, am I right? Keke.

A scene of Baymax hugging Hiro in the movie “Big Hero”

Sometimes, I would make something without thinking hard enough about the implications behind all the things that I have been making. Then later, when something happens and I finally get the full picture of what is happening, I would be jolted “awake” at the significance of it all. I would then realise once again that everything has already been planned carefully by the universe all along and I was merely going with the flow as if I have been instructed to do all these.

It was what happened for this piece of art too. On the morning of 13th December 2017, after this card was already made, I felt overwhelmed by sudden strong emotions. Taenggu had just released her new Christmas album the day before and it was a huge success. But rather than happily congratulating her about it, I was instead saddened about it, honestly. I felt that the more successful she gets, the further apart we are going to get from each other. I know it was selfish of me to think this way, feeling sour about her success, but I just couldn’t help myself from feeling like that. Then, I started to think about my upcoming Korea trip and how painful it was going to be. And I was suddenly reminded of the video she posted on her Zero instagram a month ago (the story behind this video was explained in my previous post VIDEO: SHE WILL TAKE… THE PAIN?). So I took to Twitter to express briefly how I felt towards the video and this pain I had been enduring all those times, while I was in tears.

And then, I took a moment to take a step back and look at this Hug Day artwork that I was going to post the next day. The card that says “If you were a cactus, I’d endure all the pain just to hug you!” I regretted. I finally saw the whole picture of the situation. I felt cheated. I felt as if I had been instigated by “someone” to do this. Wasn’t it ridiculous? Today I just said it had been hard bearing the pain these 2 years and the very next day, I was going to say that I would endure all the pain just to hug her? Was this what I really wanted? Did I still want to undergo the same pain again just to be with her? Could I take back my words now?

But I calmed myself down and thought carefully. It’s true that Heaven has got a plan for me. I don’t know what exactly it is but I’m trusting that Heaven has the best plan for me by following my intuition. So in the end, I still went ahead to post this Hug Day art for Taenggu on 14th December. What was done was already done. “Just let it be,” I thought. My motivation was to honour everything that I had said and done for her, even if I might start to doubt myself later on. I didn’t want to waste my efforts in preparing all these things for her and end up ditching all of them away. Even if our relationship doesn’t work out in the end, at least I’ve tried to do something, I thought.

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This month's couple day in Korea is Hug Day! Good time to give each other warm hugs in this cold winter. 😊 I made a Hug Day paper art specially for this day. Main theme is cactus and a robot. In this case, I chose Baymax as the robot which represents me and the cactus is Taenggu. Had this idea after I made a special instagram post about cactus about 2 weeks ago (see my post dated on 26 Nov). . Also found the meaning behind a cactus flower from the web: "Don’t let the world bring you down. Everything you need is inside you, and you too can produce beautiful things in the middle of an empty desert." 🌵 This time, I also bought a packet of Hershey's Hugs as a gift for Taenggu on Hug Day. Just like the Hershey's Kisses I gave her on Kiss Day previously, I hope whenever she pops one of these Hershey's Hugs chocolates into her mouth, she would feel the warmth inside her, as if there is a big pair of arms wrapping around her. A warm bear hug. 🐻 HAPPY HUG DAY TO YOU, TAENGGU! ILY 😘😘😘 . #taeyeon #taenggu #태연 #탱구 #hugday #coupleday #cactus #flower #baymax #robot #hersheyshugs #chocolates #art #paperart #postcard #handmade

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Also gave her a packet of Hershey’s Hugs too! 🍫

Now that I’ve returned from my Korea trip, I can answer your questions for certain now. Was it painful? Yes. Was I a robot? No. But truthfully from my heart, was my experience at least slightly better (more tolerable) than what I had gone through in 2015? Yes. And it has just begun to rain outside my office window now as I’m writing this.

No matter what, 사랑하고 만거야. 💜

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