[BY TAEYEON] Behind Those Eyes Of Mine

[BY TAEYEON]

표정은 내기분
손톱은 내마음
립컬러는 내희망
머릿속은 내숙제
만남은 어려운것
기억은 나에게만 소중한것
김태연

[TRANS]

Facial expression is my mood
Fingernails are my heart
Lip color is my hope
Inside my head is my homework
Meeting is something that is difficult
Memory is what’s only precious to me
Kim Taeyeon

#171028#

Taenggu posted these words which looked like a poem she composed herself to me on her instagram on the first day when I flew to Shanghai on 28th October.

I could easily relate to her poem. I felt she was directly expressing her thoughts, feelings and reflections towards our relationship through a poetic way. For the past several months, I had been writing many poems to address our relationship too (you can read all of them here). So it was really delightful that she also did one for me too!

In the following, I will share my thoughts and how I interpret and relate to her poem, line by line.

표정은 내기분 (Facial expression is my mood)

I explained in the post about my poem CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU about how I spent loads of time studying her facial expressions in fancams just to get to know more about her and analyse what she might have been thinking inside. That was how I fell in love with the person she was inside. That person I saw in her was so pure and kind. By reading her expressions and body gestures, I could also tell how she was feeling at that moment on stage, whether she was in a good mood or in a bad mood.

손톱은 내마음 (Fingernails are my heart)

In August, I wrote a post LOVE SIGN FROM TAENGGU: THE “ROUND HEART” NAIL ART to talk about how I found out her nail art contain symbols that indirectly represent my Chinese name. I thought it was an obvious love sign from her declaring her love for me and signifying my importance in her heart.

립컬러는 내희망 (Lip color is my hope)

Not too sure about this one because I hadn’t openly written about it before, but recently (before she posted her poem), I found myself getting conscious over my lip colour. I don’t really like to do make-up and am not really a make-up person too. I would put on some light powder and lipstick before I go out but throughout the day or after meals, I don’t usually bother to touch up my face and lips. My natural lip colour is rather pale or colourless, so without lipstick, I tend to look rather pale, dull and sick, I guess. Sometimes, I would feel something within me silently nudging me to put some lipstick or at least some colour to my lips, so that I would look better in spirits too. I know that “something” had to be Taenggu.

머릿속은 내숙제 (Inside my head is my homework)

Since about one month ago, I have been actively gathering all the love evidence that I have collected over the past few years (and in the present as well) and updating my instagram @lovestorieswithtaenggu almost every single day, writing my thoughts and reflections about each photo, video and event related to her on a daily basis. It feels as if I have been diligently doing my homework and submitting my assignments to my teacher (Taenggu ㅋㅋ) for her to review everyday. The difference between me and her is that I can openly express and write about anything I want online with regards to our relationship as and when I like, but for her, even though I know she would do the same for me if she could, she has to keep it to herself and from the public. Based on my understanding, that was why she said “Inside my head is my homework”. She has to keep all her homework and collection of evidence inside her head and not anywhere public.

만남은 어려운것 (Meeting is something that is difficult)

It’s true that meeting each other is something that is difficult. The only times I got to see her physically were during her concerts, either when she came to Singapore or I had to specially travel to other countries to watch her concerts. In my post TO BE A BRIGHT STAR LIKE YOU, I revealed how it felt like to be a fan sitting among the hundred thousand others in a concert arena watching someone I felt so spiritually close to from afar. But to meet her personally other than at concerts and without an official reason, is there such an opportunity? The only way I could think as of now is to attend her fansigns in Korea whenever she releases a new album. That would then be the closest proximity I could get to her. I even imagined before the questions I would ask her if I ever get to meet her in the future in my older post LOVE DIARY: COME UP TO MEET YOU AND ASK YOU MY QUESTIONS. Let’s hold on to hope that somewhen in the near future I could really get to meet her finally and ask these questions to her directly. 🙏

기억은 나에게만 소중한것 (Memory is what’s only precious to me)

I’ve been writing a lot about what happened in my daily love life with her, my analysis about her performances based on her expressions and my memories with and of her, all the intricate details. Not everybody who reads it may understand it and feel connected easily because they don’t really personally experience this out-of-the-world phenomena themselves. Most of my writings and memories are dedicated and related to her; only she knows what exactly took place between us. I’m giving her my side of the story and I know she has her side of the story too. These memories are precious like jewels in a treasure chest to keep with us forever. 💜💜💜

Lastly for the sake of this post, I had to think of a title for this poem for her. I remembered I was on the plane back to Singapore on 5th November while thinking of a title. After brainstorming for awhile, an idea along the lines of “Behind My Eyes / Behind Those Eyes” came into my mind. It reminded me of a portrait drawing of Taenggu I had drawn and posted on instagram back in 2013.

#behindthoseeyes #whatsinyourmind

A post shared by Celeste Koh (@invariantceleste) on

In my caption, what I wanted to ask her was what was on her mind behind those eyes of hers when I saw her image in every photo and video of hers which made me want to know her so deeply inside. She was like an onion waiting to be peeled off layer by layer in order to reach to the core, her true self.

I guess this poem from her sort of answered this question I had asked through this drawing 4 years ago. That’s why I decided to name it “Behind Those Eyes Of Mine”. Hope she likes this title I gave for her poem and here goes my very first precious love poem from Taeng Poet into my pocket to keep. 😍

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