Video: It’s Hard To Do These Things Alone + Lyrics: Hold On We’re Going Home

Repost from instagram with additional details

It happened on one of the nights in October 2016. During that period of time, I was suffering from a slight relapse of schizophrenia, but I still went on to do mind-singing. That night was no exception. I told Taenggu I was going to sing as usual, but I somehow knew that she wasn’t at home; I felt alone. I wasn’t sounding like myself anymore when I sang. I felt as if I was singing in someone else’s voices in my head; I sounded kinda weird and different inside.

I guess Taenggu was worried for me and probably thought it was too dangerous for me to do it alone, so she posted the following video on her Snapchat.

In the video, she looked like she was in the car rushing back home. At the same time, Pia Mia’s Hold On We’re Going Home was playing in the background. When the song came to the part where the lyrics says “It’s hard to do these things alone”, Taenggu gave a serious stern look on her face. Even though I only saw this after I finished singing, even though she looked fierce and seemed to be angry with me for still going ahead with mind singing without her when I was mentally unstable, I was actually so happy that she did this. Because it was one of the most direct, heartfelt, rare moments back then when I could see how much she actually cared and showed her concerns towards me. I felt so loved instantly. I felt she was coming to save my life. I mean, who wouldn’t feel relieved and warmed when she said she was coming home for me??

I took a look at the lyrics of this song by Pia Mia. I wonder if the lyrics contain the words which Taenggu wanted to say to me too?

“Hold On We’re Going Home” by Pia Mia (originally by Drake)

I got my eyes on you, you’re everything that I see
I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly
I got my eyes on you, you’re everything that I see
I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly
I can’t get over you, you left your mark on me
I want your hot love and emotion

Cause you’re good girl and you know it, good girl and you know it
You act so different around me, so different around me
Cause you’re good girl and you know it, good girl and you know it
You act so different around me, so different

Just hold on we’re going home
Just hold on we’re going home
It’s hard to do these things alone
Just hold on we’re going home

I got my eyes on you
You’re everything that I see
I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly
I can’t get over you
You left your mark on me
I want your hot love and emotion

‘Cause you’re good girl and you know it
Good girl and you know it
You act so different around me, so different around me
‘Cause you’re good girl and you know it
Good girl and you know it
You act so different around me, so different

Just hold on we’re going home (going home)
Just hold on we’re going home (going home)
It’s hard to do these things alone (I know it gets so hard)
Just hold on we’re going home (we’re going home)

Ohh, I guess that’s just the motion
Ohh, I guess that’s just the motion
I guess that’s just the motion

I wonder what kind of impressions does Taenggu have of me? Am I a good girl who sounds like a “bad girl” to her or anyone else around her inside? Are her impressions of me an accurate representation of me in real life?

Although I may be quiet on the outside, my inner world could sometimes be rather vibrant and different. However, after I was hit by schizophrenia, my inner world became a whole lot more complex and sometimes, darker. I know there are certain “evil” thoughts and bad voices that do not belong to me but are inserted into my head. These bad energies complicate my world and pollute my mind. I once fought hard to resist them but was sank into depression. At the end of the day, you would get confused and ask, “Who is me?” I had to find myself back.

In 2013, I made this drawing for Taenggu. It was a quote from the lyrics of Coldplay’s The Scientist.

My purpose of this drawing was to tell her that despite of all the illusions, bad voices and false impressions I had of her, I was still able to set her apart. After all these years of spending time with each other, I believe she can do the same too – to set me apart from all the fake “me”s. She knows I am the good girl. At times when I felt like I was on the verge of losing myself again, she would be that anchor to stop me from sinking any further and pull me up again. That’s what I expect her to do too. Just like what she did in her above snapchat video, I want her to come and save me during dangerous situations too.

When I get tired of staying strong by myself for too long, I yearn for the day when she would come and find me, grab my hand and take me home with her, just like how 4 years ago I imagined myself grabbing her hand at her concert backstage to escape and run away from this world with me. The Great Escape.

When are we going home? Let’s go home together soon, Taenggu! ❀

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