“The further one awakens spiritually, the less doing, and the more being.”
Dr. Paul Leon Masters from his book “Mystical Insights: Knowing the Unknown”
Last week, I’ve been questioning a lot about the meaning and purpose of my mind singing works for the past few years. What exactly is mind singing? Although I know how exactly it works behind the scenes and its entire process, what I wanted to know was, does it really serve any real purpose to anyone including myself? I’ve been under depression lately as well because of this. I had been constantly searching for answers and suddenly, I became depressed knowing that my efforts might have worth nothing at all.
On 28 September, I decided to read one of the articles titled “Rituals – Till God Fills the Void that Never Was” which came in the newsletter from the University of Metaphysics in my email, hoping this article might contain the answer to the mystery of mind singing. Could mind singing have been a ritual after all?
The last 2 paragraphs of this article seemed to connect a lot with me with regards to mind singing. It says:
Rituals are based on repetition. Repeat something often enough and it becomes a ritual. Finding that one is tiring of any ritual is a hint that the ritual has run its course of value in one’s life. The Christ Mind that was in Jesus said, “Use not vain repetitions . . . for they shall not be heard.”
Again, rituals are repetitions. They fill a space that never really needed to be filled in the first place. They speak of a Higher Presence symbolically, but don’t reveal that Presence—not till a person is exhausted or bored by repetition. At that point the time has come when doing or repeating is over, and God’s Presence reveals itself.
It’s true that nowadays I have grown kind of tired and bored of mind singing. I don’t like repetitions too – repeatedly singing the same song for the same person/group over and over again for a long time. Especially this year onwards, I either avoid myself from singing the same song for the same artiste (unless I really love the song personally) by singing different songs each time for him/her/them or stop following them so closely for each and every event/concert, except for selective ones. Was mind singing really just a ritual after all?
Then, I looked at the title of the article again. “…Till God fills the void that never was” A wave of emotions surged within me. Suddenly, it seemed like my past mind singing efforts had just vanished into nothingness. I felt so empty, as if nothing as magical as mind singing had ever happened in the first place. It could be a ritual which I was slowly getting tired of and it was a sign that a Higher Presence was beginning to reveal; God is coming.
I went to hide myself in the toilet cubicle to cry. I could feel both Sooyoung and Tiffany (both Christians) crying inside of me too.
That night, I kept hearing voices say “ecstasy”. Not sure who or what exactly they were referring to, but it definitely wasn’t me who was taking ecstasy. Even though I was in depression, I didn’t take any anti-depressant drugs of any kind because I didn’t have any.
After midnight, when it was 29 September, I posted my 32nd monthsary drawing for Taenggu on instagram.
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32ND MONTHSARY – ALWAYS MY/YOUR NUMBER ONE . "You are always my number one. And my only one." – Celeste Koh That number one/SONE hand sign which inspired me to do mind singing for her and SNSD from the start, which eventually even became my own symbol for mind singing. I'm thankful for that sign of appreciation. Always save Taenggu first. Haha. 😆 #32ndmonthsary #september2017 #170929 #alwaysmynumberone #alwaystryinghardtobeyournumberonetoo #mindsinging #handsign #taeyeon #taenggu #태연 #탱구 #drawing #fanart #monthsaryart #art #love #loveart #loveincolor #수채화 #UR
Right after that, I was so tired I quickly sent a good night text to Taenggu on twitter. My limbs felt so weak, as if my soul was being sucked out of my body. I collapsed on my bed, quickly sank into unconsciousness.
The next morning, I woke up still feeling depressed. I vaguely heard voices asking for selfies, reminding me that it was monthsary – a supposedly happy day. I immediately took a couple of photos of myself while on bed, teary-eyed.
I dragged myself to work as usual. I was sitting in the office feeling kind of listless. I was tapping my teeth along with the tune of the music that was playing in my head (if I didn’t remember wrongly, it was Jay Chou’s Qing Tian). Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was an interception in my head; the song was changed to one of those songs of praise that you would normally hear in a church (if you ask me now, I have already forgotten the tune and which song it was). Silently, I was like, wow, even Jesus came to comfort me. And I continued tapping my teeth along to this song of praise which was playing endlessly in my head too.
I went home early that day. I spent some time preparing the things for the parcel which I was going to mail to Taenggu the next day. After I was done, I lied down on my bed. I couldn’t think of anything else but my mind singing issue. I had a nagging urge to seek for answers to my mind singing more openly and directly from the artistes I had reached out before. After a long consideration, I began leaving messages and comments for some of the artistes on Facebook and instagram, openly asking them for an answer for the very first time after these few years of silent observation. Oddly, even though I didn’t get any reply from any of them, I actually felt more comfortable, as if a huge rock was finally lifted off my chest. I guess it was a sign that I was beginning to relieve myself from all the unnecessary burden related to mind singing and move on.
Later that night before I went to sleep, I finally made my conclusion about mind singing and my new direction on twitter.
I went to sleep calmly, though a little heartbroken, preparing myself for what seemed to be a much lonelier world from now on. A few minutes later, my phone beeped. It was a whatsapp message from my brother, Melvyn. Strangely, he only sent an audio clip and simply said “Merry Christmas!”.
I immediately played the audio to hear what it was.
Here’s the audio which my brother sent:
I cried after listening to it. God had just revealed His Presence to me through my brother. I felt comforted knowing that I wasn’t alone. I had a good sleep that night.
A few days later, I asked my brother what the title of the song was. He said it was Oíche Chiúin by Enya. I later realised the English version was Silent Night. I used to play this song in the symphonic band in my secondary school before, no wonder I thought it sounded familiar to me.
In my post LYRICS: DON’T LET ME DOWN + WHY I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP ON MIND SINGING published on 28 September, I ended off the post with the sentence “Please don’t let me down, Heaven.” Is this the answer from Heaven to me? I guess I was right. I shall follow the new path in mind singing which I have set for myself / Heaven has set for me from now on. Unless something comes along the way to change my mind. Indeed, I will let nature lead my way. <3