Ever since the first time I looked into your eyes, I already knew iT’s YoU. That sense of familiarity as if we already knew each other When We Were Young. That Girl who was so Bright, So Good. I thought I’d Never Be Like You. Distance separated us apart, got my tears falling like Rain every day, every night. But I Don’t Care, I just kept Talking to Myself every day, every night, hoping my words would reach you. Now I just wanna keep singing my Secret Love Song to you. For true love needs not be justified, 사랑하고 만거야.
When I saw this guest playlist by Taenggu which was released in June last year, I could feel that she was actually trying to say something or indirectly expressing her love. I thought she was trying to tell me something about how she felt towards our relationship which she had kept a secret to herself all these while. I kept this piece of “love letter” from her in my heart (and in my phone) ever since until 2 weeks ago when I suddenly thought about this playlist again and had an idea about making a poem out of the titles of the songs she had chosen in this playlist.
On 29 September 2017 (our 32nd monthsary), I finally got myself down to composing this poem and writing it down on my notebook during my lunch time at the cafe at my office level 2 (sadly it’s closing down soon this coming Friday) while I wasn’t actually feeling good because I was suffering from some signs of depression for the past few days. I finished it on the spot and published it on instagram on the very next day.
I took a look at my finished poem again. While I might have done this poem in a bid to decipher the secret message behind this playlist and understand her feelings better, I realised these words were also what I wanted to say to her too. Especially the part that says, “…that girl who was so bright, so good. I thought I would never be like her…Distance separated us apart, got my tears falling like rain… kept talking to myself day and night…kept singing my secret love song to you…” Reminds me of how I felt when I started out almost 3 years ago on our relationship. I always felt inferior towards her because of our differences in social status (I was still a student back then) and other issues. I tried talking to myself everyday, hoping she could hear me and I believed she could still hear bits and pieces of what I said by looking at some evidences I had. But there were still times I felt like my true words didn’t reach her and I couldn’t get her responses. So there were many times I would cry to myself at nights, wondering why she seemed so cold. Back then, I hadn’t set up my twitter account @mindofsoul27 where I would update my mind singing schedules yet. So at that time, I would sing love songs to her without telling her / writing down which songs I had actually prepared for her, so somehow it felt like I was singing my secret love songs to her too because everything was done so discreetly back then.
The idea for the first sentence of this poem actually came from “someone” I could feel who came to visit me during lunch at the same cafe on a different day. “She” spoke the same words to me in Chinese – “从我第一次看着你的眼睛，我就知道是你了。” I guess these were what Taenggu actually wanted to say to me too. And the part that says it felt like we already knew each other when we were young, I had been thinking a lot about it too. Whenever I looked at Taenggu’s childhood photos, I would feel an unusual sense of familiarity too, as if we really really were already very close to each other when we were kids somehow. (related posts: PHOTO DAY 2017: WHAT IF WE MET WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, FAN ART: TAENGGU KID)
People who are unaware might think I was simply desperately searching for connections with her or evidences of our relationship in vain, but the truth was the answer is already there in my heart. I knew it all along; I was just trying to put whatever I had kept in my heart all these while into words. For indeed, true love needs not be justified.
So here goes my poem – a fully decoded love message from Taenggu’s playlist; my very first love letter from her. <3
Sharing some selfies I took that day at the cafe after I completed my poem. I was feeling very tired, both emotionally and physically. But I thought since it was our monthsary, I tried to take some photos of myself for you. 🙂 (because that morning when I woke up, I heard voices requesting for selfies. hehe)