“I saw my own reflection in you. As if you were my childhood playmate, as if we already knew each other when we were young.”
I had been feeling rather depressed lately. First, it was because I started to feel lost in my direction of life. I started to think if I should quit my job right away and focus on writing my blog and pursue my other interests. I started to question the meaning and purpose of mind singing which I had been doing for the past 4-5 years. Then, I realised when I started writing not-so-positive things about Taenggu (especially after MY NOT-SO-GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OF TAENGGU or NOT COINCIDENCE, IT’S DESTINY (WARNING: RANTINGS AHEAD)), my heart started to feel heavier even though I hadn’t gotten to the main point of my story yet. My mood was probably already going into a downward spiral ever since what happened to me during an incident I encountered recently during mind singing (LYRICS: DON’T LET ME DOWN + WHY I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP ON MIND SINGING). I started to hear voices again – not those kinds which I was used to hearing everyday, but those kinds that reminded of my schizophrenic experiences in 2013. I started to suspect if Taenggu was really serious about our relationship at all. And in return, I could feel her starting to suspect if I had been true to her and worried if I already had another person in my heart. I suddenly felt like I lost everything; I didn’t wanna do anything anymore. I couldn’t focus my mind on my office work – I just wanted to write all day to pour all my heart out to her because I simply had too much to say to her all at one go. I would hear a chinese girl voice on my left side telling me, “Actually you can do it a little more slowly…” But I just couldn’t control myself – I didn’t know what else to think anymore except writing. At nights, I began having difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep throughout the night. My mind kept on thinking, voices were asking me questions, I felt the need to answer them. I couldn’t think about any other stuff anymore other than my schizophrenic experiences, mind singing, relationship with Taenggu… all the stories I needed to tell but I held back because of the lack of time, freedom and concentration.
On the night of 25th September, I was in a state of depression. I was sick and tired of hearing those meaningless voices and wanted to take my mind away. I thought maybe I would draw. I browsed through the photo gallery in my phone and decided to draw a picture of Taenggu when she was a kid which I liked.
I plugged my earphones into my ears and listened to the songs in my phone’s music player on random auto play as I drew. (I used to stop plugging into my earphones to listen to music for a long time last time because I thought I couldn’t hear Taenggu’s voice or she wouldn’t be able to reach me if I were to do that.) I suddenly felt so good after a long time – my mood was lifted instantly. It was unusually soothing for my mind as I listened to music and my drawing also became unusually smoother and more steady, as if I was drawing as my own real self – my entire self was drawing this together, not simply a piece of my persona or getting controlled by “anybody”. I felt so good too for being able to draw something normal like a portrait of a real person whom I loved without putting in any extra creative details. In the process, I could see a vision of Taenggu crying and pleading for me. She might have thought why I didn’t want to care about her and show my concerns to her anymore. I didn’t say a word. I knew I had to finish this drawing quickly so that I could show her that I still did care about her.
It was a breeze and pleasing to do this drawing. When I was done, I quickly uploaded it on my social media to show her.
I guess she liked it very much and was relieved after seeing it. I looked at it carefully and realised my drawing of her looked a little like myself when I was a kid too.
My mum walked past me and said “Wah, the drawing is not bad. Who is this?” I replied, “My idol. Don’t you think my portrait of her look a bit like myself?” She glanced at it for awhile and said “Ah, yes yes, it does.” <3
P.S. I framed the original drawing and sent it in a parcel to Taenggu just yesterday! 🙂