Back in 2014, after I had recovered from schizophrenia and very much stopped hearing voices already, even though I had already given up on mind-singing, I was still trying to find a link between schizophrenia and mind-singing, and the truth behind this mystery.
One night, when I was lying on the bed, I was looking up at the ceiling in the dark, kept asking what really happened to me in 2013. What exactly was schizophrenia? Was it just a mental illness? But why could I still hear real alien voices from the videos of concert performances I watched even after I had very much recovered already? Did my mind-singing really happen? I kept asking the same thing over and over again until I fell asleep.
The next day, I was on the train on the way to NTU. I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone and happened to come across an article titled The Shamanic View of Mental Illness which a Facebook friend shared on the newsfeed. (note: She wasn’t a close friend of mine, so she definitely didn’t know I was suffering from schizophrenia a year ago…) So, I read it.
In short, the article was saying that in the shamanic culture, mental illness signals “the birth of a healer”.
Some excerpts from the article:
What those in the West view as mental illness, the Dagara people regard as “good news from the other world.” The person going through the crisis has been chosen as a medium for a message to the community that needs to be communicated from the spirit realm. “Mental disorder, behavioral disorder of all kinds, signal the fact that two obviously incompatible energies have merged into the same field,” says Dr. Somé. These disturbances result when the person does not get assistance in dealing with the presence of the energy from the spirit realm.
Another way to say this, which may make more sense to the Western mind, is that we in the West are not trained in how to deal or even taught to acknowledge the existence of psychic phenomena, the spiritual world. In fact, psychic abilities are denigrated. When energies from the spiritual world emerge in a Western psyche, that individual is completely unequipped to integrate them or even recognize what is happening. The result can be terrifying. Without the proper context for and assistance in dealing with the breakthrough from another level of reality, for all practical purposes, the person is insane. Heavy dosing with anti-psychotic drugs compounds the problem and prevents the integration that could lead to soul development and growth in the individual who has received these energies.
It needs to be noted at this point, however, that not all of the spirit beings that enter a person’s energetic field are there for the purposes of promoting healing. There are negative energies as well, which are undesirable presences in the aura. In those cases, the shamanic approach is to remove them from the aura, rather than work to align the discordant energies.
…“If these are approached as things that are blocking the human imagination, the person’s life purpose, and even the person’s view of life as something that can improve, then it makes sense to begin thinking in terms of how to turn that blockage into a roadway that can lead to something more creative and more fulfilling.”
Suddenly, this made some sense to me about schizophrenia I had gone through in 2013. At that time, I always felt there were some invisible things following me too, both good and bad. Most schizophrenics who went through those scary psychotic episodes would think their experiences were caused by evil spirits bothering them and chasing after them too, but in our modern medical world, no one would believe it if they don’t experience it personally. I also thought there could really be some sort of spiritual involvement in what I had been doing too. Maybe the spirit was trying to impart energies in me so that I could find my life purpose and even promote healing for others through mind-singing. But the energies were not aligned properly and there were some interference of bad energies that were not removed through shamanic healing, which was why I began having terrifying hallucinations. This could be the answer why I had schizophrenia in 2013 – a spirit could have been helping me to reach out to SNSD through mind-singing. This could be a clue from Heaven whom I had been asking last night and I kept this knowledge to the back of my mind. But I have to say that I did not seek help from a Shamanic healer back then to get myself treated because I was not aware of these Shamanic ideas of mental illness yet. I still only depended on modern medicine to put my voices and hallucinations under control but I knew they were still at the back of my mind and couldn’t be fully eliminated. And despite of these, I believed my mind singing could still work. Question is, spiritual involvement = psychic mind? Or, I already had a psychic or intuitive mind, but was later affected by bad spirits?
Sometimes after I recovered, I was just waiting for a chance to see a sign from SNSD/Taeyeon to indirectly show me that they really needed me to do mind-singing for them again. So I just silently observed them all the time until I was finally convinced that they or she really needed me. But I realised I never was because I didn’t see an obvious sign. It was only until her dating news with Baekhyun broke out in June 2014 and I could see she was going to sink into depression again because she was facing all the negative reactions and remarks from her antis that I slowly decided to chase her back, or you could say, save her with mind-singing when she made her comeback with TTS later on. The fact was, even before the dating news came out, I was actually already trying to let it go and participated in SNSD’s Japan arena tour at that time. I used to sing my favourite songs like Karma Butterfly and Not Alone, and would even post some photos on my instagram @invariantceleste as a teaser to give a hint to her what song I was going to prepare and sing next. But after her dating news suddenly broke out, I didn’t know why but it didn’t really come as a surprise to me. I think somewhere unconsciously inside me, I already knew that this would happen (probably Taenggu herself talked to “me” about it already). But I was still a little disappointed, yet I took it in well and handled my emotions well. But I cancelled my original plan to go Japan to watch one of SNSD concerts physically, and went to Tianjin, China instead for one month for summer studies. You could say, I was using the time to recover from my heartbreak (from the physical point of view, I still chose to believe Taenggu and Baekhyun were really in a relationship because I tended to believe things on the surface too because I couldn’t deny those photo evidences that I could see with my own eyes BUT I also knew it wasn’t as easy as it looked from the outside. Kinda tricky situation.) before I got back to her again but I knew the mysterious nice voices, which I couldn’t hear for myself already by then, were actually trying to help me patch up with her too.
That was when I finally made up my mind to start mind-singing again for real, even though it might mean risking myself back into schizophrenia/depression again. I did it all because of her first and it was always because of her first. <3