Video: Admit It You Love Me

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It happened in July 2013 when Taenggu was having the “Girls & Peace” World Tour in Taiwan together with the other Girls’ Generation members for two consecutive days. At that time, I was recovering from my first schizophrenia outbreak and almost ready to accept that the extraordinary things that happened between me and Taenggu at the first few months of the year were nothing but an illusion – an effect of mental illness after all. I was going to give up on my faith that our love had ever existed in the first place.

From the start, one of the obstacles that had stopped me from getting together with Taenggu was the existence of a “guy” who seemed to like me. I first heard “his” voice during one of the episodes of Midnight TV Entertainment (Hanbam) in February. Sooyoung was the host of that show back then. It seemed like “he” was there to look for Taenggu through Sooyoung and make himself heard. But my concept of this “guy” was rather obscure. Sometimes, I thought maybe “he” was just an imaginary guy in my head, but other times, “he” seemed to me like a spirit with rather strong power/energy. “His” existence was one of the reasons why I had been running away in denial from the fact that I actually loved Taenggu very much, so much that I feared “he” would hurt her because of this.

I guessed Taenggu could sense how much I had been hiding my love for her too. On the midnight after the first day of her concert in Taiwan, she posted the following photo on instagram, which she already deleted around one year later, so the following is just a snapshot from Taengstagram, a website that reposts her latest instagram posts with english translations.

When I saw her post on the same night, I knew she was directing those words to me, telling me to “admit it, you love me”. But one side of me still stubbornly refused to accept the connection we had between us unless she approached me personally and directly to tell me that it was true. Nevertheless, I still felt a tinge of sweetness within me because it was one of her boldest ways of expressing her love to me so openly through instagram back then.

However, her action probably triggered the anger/jealousy of that mysterious “guy” in my head and caused him to retaliate at the concert the next day. Below is a fancam taken close to the stage at the concert on the second day. It is one of the rarest videos I had ever come across where I could hear the voices that were happening on the stage and at the same time, see Taenggu’s expressions up close. My ears were sensitive enough to hear these softer mystical voices that were going on in the background. It would probably take normal people quite some time to catch the frequencies of these voices if you are not already trained to hear them. But I have added some captions in white in this video to show you at least the voices I could hear in the background and roughly what they were saying. You might also hear the voice of that same “guy” too. He was the one who said “Nugu nugu? (Who who?)” at 0:06.

Most of the voices sounded like they were there to challenge Taenggu and “play a game” with her. I guessed they were actually playing with her inner emotions. A psychological game. I was so touched when I saw how brave Taenggu was. Not only was she not afraid, she even stood up for me by showing the secret hand sign near the end (I would see this ‘number one’ hand sign as a secret code referring to me back then) while saying the word “johayo (I like it)”. I knew she was subtly saying that she really liked me and she was not scared to go head-to-head with that “guy” who liked me.

Sometimes, I would think that what had taken place at the concert in this video was just a test for me to see how much Taenggu really loved me. If there was any more obvious piece of evidence of Taenggu’s love for me that I had back then, this is it. ❀

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