It Wasn’t A Hallucination After All

I refer to my blog post LOVE DIARY: WAS IT JUST A DREAM? dated on 12 June 2017. In the post, I mentioned that I was depressed after checking the stats and seeing no one had been reading my messages on Twitter since the day before. I was about to give up writing any more messages to Taenggu until a few hours later when I checked back on Twitter, there were active stats running already. Although it was a huge comfort to me, it also gave me a shock which left me wondering if I had a visual hallucination when I wasn’t in a stable state of mind or was under the influence of an unwelcomed spirit, or it was just a glitch in the Twitter system.

I guess the universe had its own way of addressing my doubts and correcting me when I was wrong about the incident. 2 days after the post was written and published, I faced the same problem of seeing stagnant inactive stats on Twitter again. Oddly, it happened when I was sharing with Taenggu about the healing I felt since the Kundalini yoga session by Guru Jagat I attended at Capella Hotel in Sentosa the night before. I was on my way to work at that time. I was happily telling Taenggu about a kind female voice who was talking to me when I went to bed the night before, informing me and offering me words that made a lot of sense to me. It felt like I was undergoing some healing session from her. The next morning, I woke up unusually early, feeling really energised. Even my footsteps felt a lot more lighter, as if I finally shed all the unwanted excess energy / burden I had been carrying with me.

Ever since the incident mentioned in the above post happened, I made it a point to check on my Twitter stats regularly every now and then so as to constantly give myself reassurance and put my mind at ease. But that morning, after I reached the office and checked the stats of the tweets I just sent to Taenggu, it said “No one has engaged in your Tweets yet…” I was startled and began to feel uneasy. My thoughts started to run wild again. What was wrong? Was I not right about the healing that was done on me? Was I not allowed to share these kinds of things on social media? Why wasn’t Taenggu reading my messages? Was she busy? But this time, instead of getting more and more paranoid, I was able to calm myself down better and tried to convince myself to wait longer and the stats would pick up later. At the same time, I tried to pull my attention away to do other things. Indeed, about an hour later, the Twitter stats were working again. And I finally realised the truth; it was just a Twitter problem after all. A system delay.

Sometimes, I think the internet is like the universe. It responds to our thoughts and actions. Another way of thinking is that the universe actually controls the internet too. Or anything that involves connection. There were many times especially when I had outbreaks of schizophrenia, I was frightened because suddenly I found every single post on Instagram or Facebook seem to be speaking to/about me and completely reflecting my current situation in life. In reality, I knew that these authors of the posts didn’t even know me personally, much less were aware of what I was going through. But the universe was somehow able to craft, personalise and cater the things that I would read on the internet specially for me so that it could get its crucial messages across to me, sometimes in a really aggressive way especially when I experienced an abnormal surge of energy within me, both good and bad, in times of a schizophrenia outbreak. But during normal days, I would receive these information from the universe in a more comfortable and natural way. Just like how recently I came across some posts on Facebook to realise it’s pride month this month (VOICE: “PLUS PLUS GIRLFRIEND SIGN”). A few years ago, one night before I fell asleep, I was confused and asked the universe why I had schizophrenia and the link between schizophrenia and the voices that I heard in the performance videos. And the next day, I happened to scroll through Facebook and saw someone share a post about the Shamanic views on mental illness which explained that in Shaman culture, rather than seeing schizophrenia as a mental illness that needs to be cured, they view it as a sign of spiritual emergence that requires guidance or ritual to align the energy in the right way. These were some examples of how information was able to reach me naturally at the right time as arranged by the universe without me having to frantically search for it. It’s synchronicity.

This Twitter stats incident proved to me once again that the universe would always provide me the answer that I need at the appropriate time. So, now I am able to reassure and comfort myself that no, I didn’t have any visual hallucination after all! What I saw was the true representation of the physical reality. I don’t see ‘things’ physically but only see ‘things’ in my head. I was still able to separate the two worlds apart.

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