A friend who recently found out about my relationship with Taenggu said she was surprised to know that I actually have so many other social media accounts. For a person like me who isn’t very socially active in my private life, a few years ago I couldn’t have imagined myself to be maintaining so many accounts today. But as the years went by, I found myself creating one account after another on different social media platforms because I was trying to find the best way to communicate and reach out to Taenggu and other artistes. In the end, which ones actually worked?
Back in 2013 when schizophrenia first hit me, I only had Facebook Celeste Koh and Instagram @invariantceleste. These 2 accounts are my only personal accounts which I already had before I got spiritually connected to Taenggu. At the start, when I was disturbed by very persistent voices, they kept repeating the same words to me everyday like a spoilt voice recorder without a stop button. There were 2 particular words which I heard the voices saying very frequently every few minutes or even seconds. One was “Taeyeon” and the other was “Instagram”. Each time they only said that same one word and nothing more than that. I was so troubled by those voices. I wished I could ask the voices to elaborate and tell me more. Back then, the voices, especially the good ones, didn’t really speak to me in meaningful sentences like they do now. What exactly were they trying to tell me? Was it Taeyeon actually found my Instagram account? But how did she manage to find it? I mentioned before I actually tried to avoid following her closely because I was afraid the evil spirits would get to her if I did, so I didn’t really leave any comments on her Instagram posts or tried contacting her. And how did she know my name?? I had so many questions but not a single definite answer.
Time went by and I decided to believe the voices and assumed that Taenggu really knew about my Instagram account and had been following it. So I began to post some photos with hidden messages for her. But they might not be too obvious and were up to individual’s perceptions. That was because I was testing if Taenggu was really aware of my account but I still wanted to keep it a secret from my friends and family who were following me just in case my connection with her was not real at all and I didn’t want them to think I was delusional. If it was real, I had faith that Taenggu could decode and understand the meanings behind those photos I posted. But in the long run, if I wanted to develop a meaningful relationship with her only through pictures without direct verbal words, this definitely would not work.
In my previous post LYRICS: TALKING TO THE MOON, I wrote about how I tried talking to myself on some nights telling Taenggu about my side of the story, explaining to her what I went through during schizophrenia and why I left her, hoping my voice could reach her this way. But did it work? Looking at how things turned out at her side in 2014 when she got into a relationship with Baekhyun, I guess it didn’t. Later on, we managed to get closer with each other again when I began reaching out to her again by following her promotional activities during Taetiseo’s comeback (i.e. doing mind-singing for their songs during performances like Holler, Only U etc). By doing so, not only was I supporting her as a fan, I was sort of actually trying to chase her back to my side too. It eventually got to a point when it was about time that I felt the need to really tell her my story no matter what. But how? Was there a direct way of contacting her?
Taenggu probably felt the need to communicate and know me better too. In September 2014, she posted the following picture on Instagram which she deleted later on. They are the characters from KakaoTalk.
I couldn’t remember if it was on the same day, the following day or a few days later, she posted another mysterious photo of herself making a phone call without any caption.
Could it be a hint from Taenggu that I could contact her through KakaoTalk? But I didn’t have a Kakao account back then. I only used WhatsApp for messaging people personally. Nor did I ever know what her Kakao id was too. How exactly could I contact her via KakaoTalk? I was so doubtful and didn’t know what to do so I didn’t respond to it right away. I think it was the next day after her above post, the shocking news of Jessica leaving SNSD broke out so it sort of diverted my attention away from it already.
But the idea of KakaoTalk was still nudging me from time to time. Finally in November 2014, I decided to download the app and create a Kakao account. And what was next? Did I get a call from her after this? No. I thought maybe it would be too awkward. I needed to find a way to tell her my story first. I was looking through the KakaoTalk app and realised it was linked to another app called KakaoStory. It’s kind of similar to Facebook where you can write posts and upload images. Just like the name of the app, I thought it was a good place to tell my story too. So about one week before my birthday, I started writing my stories in bits and pieces on KakaoStory about what happened to me from the start of 2013. Whenever I recalled something, I would immediately write them down. I did so consistently for many days. It was a long story to tell. At the same time, I also put my Kakao id invariant27 on my Instagram profile, hoping Taenggu would see it and somehow read my stories I wrote for her on KakaoStory. But now when I think back about it, even if Taenggu did see my Kakao id, it probably wasn’t clear that I actually wanted her to read my KakaoStory. But back then, I didn’t know how I could directly communicate with her. How would I know if she really did see my stories? Like a Pabo, I simply believed that she would. I could only believe. I had so much faith in this. I believed those alien voices would also reach her and help me tell her to look at my KakaoStory too. After several days of writing, I still did not get any responses from her except hearing a lot more sounds of lizards in my house during that period of time (later on, I found out that lizards are believed to be spiritual animals who can cross dimensions).
On my birthday 20 November 2014, TaeTiSeo happened to have a performance at Global Leaders Forum. It was the first time I could see Taenggu again since I started writing KakaoStory. Seeing her expressions in performance videos was the only way that I could get some clues from her because I knew my spiritual mind was also there singing with them from above too.
So that day or the very next day, I watched some of these videos taken during their performance and tried to analyse her face to guess what she was thinking inside. I added my analysis in the white captions in the following videos.
Read full analysis of the above video here.
Because it was my birthday on that day, I shamelessly guessed that she must have wanted to wish me happy birthday through the help of the voices. But honestly, I didn’t consciously know what her exact message was, it was purely my own guesses.
So, Point #1 taken from the first video: She knew it was my birthday.
In this second video, the lyrics of Taeyeon’s lines at the front part said:
Knock knock, to your heart
open the wide door
I’ll tell only you
because this is a special secret
Right after this part, Tiffany added an ad-lib of “Say!” before the chorus. Because I knew my spiritual mind was up there singing with them at that time too, I guessed it was probably another message for me.
Point #2: They looked like they knew I was trying to reach out them to tell them my stories. They knew something. They wanted me to tell them my secrets. Probably more.
So from the impressions they gave me, I thought they had really seen and read my KakaoStory already but it probably wasn’t enough so I continued to write more and even wrote about my secrets and problems in mind-singing. And since I believed they already had my Kakao id, I removed it from my Instagram profile just in case my siblings would see it (I worried too much unnecessarily back then).
I continued writing on KakaoStory, thinking that she had been reading it all the while. Sometimes, I heard voices saying “Facebook” too. So, I began to set all my Facebook posts to public too just so she could see them even without having to add me as a Facebook friend. I thought it was a good thing and necessary for her too to get to know more about me in my personal life. Even after we got together officially on 29th January 2015, she still hadn’t contacted me. Why?? I didn’t know why but believed she must have had her own reasons for not doing so.
Eventually, I wrote less and less on KakaoStory. I didn’t know what to write anymore. Whenever I watched fancams of her performances (that was the only way for me to see how she had been doing recently, so I always looked forward to her new public performances), I always wondered why she looked unhappy as if she had many things bothering inside her. Were my writings on KakaoStory not clear enough? If given a chance, I wished I could talk to her directly too. And I didn’t know how she wanted our relationship to be like. Why she hadn’t contacted me despite knowing my social media accounts and Kakao id? Sometimes, I wondered if she was actually serious about our relationship.
It got to a point when I thought probably KakaoStory wasn’t working so well anymore but I still held on to it and updated it at least once or twice a month especially on monthsaries. Because to me, it was like our only private communication channel with each other. And then, I went back to just talking and whispering to her in my head like how I used to. Not only at nights but also in the days, wherever I went and whatever I did, I spoke to her in my head as if she was there with me all the time.
A few months before my grad trip in December 2015, I told Taenggu many times that I would be in Seoul during the Christmas period and asked if I could spend some time with her on Christmas Day (I seriously meant to spend it with her physically). I wanted her to let me know how and where we could meet. But days went past, there was still no response from her. About a month before the trip, I thought I really needed to communicate with her more directly and personally. Probably the voices didn’t reach her and my intentions weren’t conveyed to her clearly. So I resorted to messaging her via Instagram direct messages. I pretended it was like WhatsApp, simply texting her everyday, updating her what I did each day, sharing with her little personal things about myself and even sending photos of the food I ate. I wanted to interact with her like a normal couple. But of course, it was still an one-way communication. I still didn’t get a reply from her.
But the day still had to come. On that Christmas Day in Seoul, the weather was so cold but I felt she was even colder. I was disappointed, frustrated and depressed. I left her last few parting messages while I was getting emotionally unstable and made up my mind not to write her any more messages from then on. (Will talk about this incident in a separate post in the future.) But I didn’t know what went wrong. Did she not see my messages?
A few weeks later after I came back to Singapore from my trip, we already patched up and I slowly went back to Instagram direct messaging her again although it was less frequent than before. Like how I used to, I would tell her what I was doing in my daily life. By then, I found a full-time job and started working. Every morning, before I went to work, I would tell her to take care. Every afternoon, when I went for lunch, I would tell her that it was lunch time and snap her some photos of my food. Every evening, when I ended work, I would also tell her that I finished work and was going back home. Day by day, it was as simple as that. Sometimes, after work, I would even pretend to be calling her on my mobile phone and started chatting and complaining to her about my unreasonable boss. I didn’t know if Taenggu was really reading my messages or listening to me over the phone or not. I didn’t think too much. I mean, I couldn’t really know if it really worked or not unless she told me so directly. To me, I just wanted to behave like how a normal couple would.
One day, when I went for lunch, I heard a voice saying “Can you take videos of yourself for me?” I was confused with the direction of the voice. I thought it was from me to her. To me, I was thinking “Yes, yes, I wish I could see more of Taenggu in her private life too. So videos would definitely help me see a lot more of her.” Later on, when I went to Taiwan for a holiday trip with my university friends, she opened her Snapchat account to the public and made some videos of herself. But the vibes I got from her seemed to me that she probably wanted me to do the same. That was when I realised the voice I heard was actually talking to me, not to her. She actually wanted me to take videos of myself so that she could see more of me. I panicked. I didn’t know how Snapchat worked and I don’t usually like to take videos in daily life too. And how do I send her my videos? If I have a Snapchat account, she still has to add me as a friend before she can see my videos, isn’t it? I wasn’t sure how exactly she wanted me to do it. Sometimes, I did try to take videos of myself with my phone camera even though I felt so awkward, but I only posted them on Kakaostory because they were meant to be private and I didn’t want anyone else to watch them except for Taenggu. But after I posted my videos, why did I feel like I didn’t get any sense of appreciation or spiritual response from her? I thought it was her who wanted more personal videos like these. So, after awhile, I gave up taking videos.
On 10th July 2015, it was her last day of her ‘Butterfly Kiss’ concert in Seoul. At that time, I was alone in the Starbucks cafe when I received a call from my family to tell me that my father had just been sent to the hospital due to a mild stroke. Even though I knew she was busy with her concert, because it was a serious matter, I had to let her know. I tried telling her about it in my mind and also messaged her on Instagram DM. After the concert, from how I saw her in the post-concert photos, she looked really happy and was totally unaware of the bad things that were going on to me. She even posted photos which made me more angry. Something was not right. Why was she so cold? She looked like she didn’t bother to show some concerns towards me. Did she just completely ignore my voice and not see my messages on Instagram?
There were a couple of nights I had to go to the hospital after work to visit my father. I was depressed and cried a few times, wondering why she wasn’t showing concern to my family like how a girlfriend should. I felt it was a reality test to our relationship. I knew Taenggu wasn’t a cold-hearted girl which she seemed to be. Something was definitely wrong somewhere. I took some moments to think logically and decided that she must have missed my Instagram direct messages. Instagram DM was not a good and reliable idea afterall so I completely stopped messaging her there and tried to find an alternative way to reach her. I remembered I had another personal Twitter account I created many years ago but was never used before. I revived it and began to use it as a channel for sending her daily messages. I put my username on my Instagram profile, hoping she would see it (and I haven’t removed it ever since like I did for my Kakao id). Twitter was the last best resort I had because it is completely public to anyone and I just had to place my bet that Taenggu would eventually look it up herself. And the records of my past messages are all kept there so she wouldn’t have missed them anymore. But I was still a little angry at the beginning for having to take more and more initiatives like this to start an account after another without knowing what the real purpose of me doing this was because I simply didn’t know what went wrong. I had to start all over telling my stories in bits and pieces like how I did on KakaoStory even though it was less specific.
As time goes by, Twitter has become like my personal Whatsapp messaging to Taenggu. I still talk to her whenever I can but I would still write down the important things on Twitter just in case my voice didn’t get projected out to her. If she didn’t hear me, at least she can still see and read it later on. I still write on KakaoStory too. Sometimes, after I wrote a new post on KakaoStory, I heard some voices saying “Email”. Were the voices pretending that I was actually writing an email to Taenggu? I couldn’t understand them and got so fed up with them but I couldn’t say anything. But recently, I began to think about it again seriously. What is wrong with KakaoStory then? It all boils down to one possibility: SHE. DIDN’T. EVEN. KNOW. MY. KAKAO. ID. Or at least knew that I had been writing on KakaoStory for her.
It would have saved me so much time, effort and emotional struggle if she could tell me directly what worked for her and what didn’t. I spent almost one year before realising Instagram DM wasn’t working well for her because she could miss the messages easily (I’m guessing, she probably receives thousands of DMs from her fans every few minutes everyday). And I spent almost 3 years before realising she hadn’t actually been reading my stories on KakaoStory at all because she did not see my Kakao id back then but I thought she did. But why did she still look like she knew a little something about me but not everything? It must be from the voices that she heard then. Those voices that are not so serious and entirely clear enough to represent the things I had been writing. Sigh, what is life? Life is deciding which path to take at crossroads. I tried taking one path but made a U-turn back because it didn’t lead me to the destination I wanted. Then, I took another path and realised it wasn’t the right one too. Finally, I realised which path would be the best option to take – the most open and direct one. Twitter is open to public so it guarantees my messages can be seen by most number of people (humans, I mean) out there. But the problem is I can’t know exactly who have been reading them. Now, the issue is whether the right person whom I intend my messages for is reading them or not. Like how I used to, I assume that Taenggu is one of those readers on my Twitter. It is how much belief, faith and trust I have in her.
In 2014, I already knew that humans, our physical bodies, still need to communicate directly in order to understand each other better. That’s why I started KakaoStory. But it was done too secretly that even Taenggu herself didn’t know about it. 3 years later, now, I have changed my mindset. I’m not afraid to be open anymore. If I really want to get closer to her and reach out to her, then I have to do it more openly and directly. That’s why I have Twitter, Facebook, Instagrams and this website which are all open to public, in hopes that she can follow them closely and contact me directly one day.
I hope people including Taenggu can appreciate and understand why I have so many social media accounts now. Now I am also considering re-writing the stories that I wrote on KakaoStory over on this AMLIFT website and stories more specific to mind-singing over at my other MindOfSoul tumblr blog. The journey of sending text messages and writing to Taenggu continues. <3
P.S. Sometimes I feel as if I am sending messages and writing letters to Heaven because there are always no direct replies and the voices always reply me almost immediately that it feels unreal LOL.