Silent Pinky Promise

You curled your pinky around mine
I said “Okay”
In the next second
I came back to my consciousness
And thought about it again
What exactly was the promise we made just now?
Celeste Koh

I made this poem because recently, I found myself playing with my pinky fingers a lot more often. Sometimes, I would see my left pinky finger subconsciously sticking out from my fist. Intuitively, like a natural reaction, I would curl my right pinky finger around my left and seal it by touching my thumbs against each other. But awhile later, I would think about it seriously and start to worry, did I just make a promise with Taenggu (because Taenggu represents my left and I’m her right)? If I did, what exactly was the promise we made just now?

The world between us in my reality (or my consciousness) has always been in silence. No verbal words and other forms of direct communication. We only communicate through our minds. Consciously, I only remember myself talking to her and hearing some voices in my head. Sometimes, even when I’m talking to her, I can’t tell for sure if I’m speaking out of my own mind or hers. I get confused with the direction of our daily conversations easily. Was she saying this to me or was I saying this to her?

I get more careful when it comes to promises. I know I can’t consciously hear everything that she says so I worry if I would accidentally promise her anything that I’m not aware of and later on do not fulfil it for her because I simply do not know what I have unconsciously said. Similarly, if I hear her promise me something but later on do not see it happening in real life, it would break my heart a lot. It could cause a lot of misunderstandings between us. It was a hard lesson learnt after our first year of relationship together. I remember after I came back from my Korea trip in 2015, there was a period of time when voices kept saying in an angry tone, “No promises. We don’t promise you anything. I don’t promise you anything. We don’t promise each other anything…” Yes, I was angry. Probably Taenggu herself was angry too. But it was because we both had no idea what exactly went wrong between us back then. From then on, I would try my best to remember whatever I’ve been consciously saying to her, especially the words I wrote down in messages to her via Twitter, I would make sure that I stay true to my words. If I said I would attend her concert, then I would. If I said I would do something for her, then I would. Similarly, I hope she could mean what she says to me too.

I’ve been walking in and out of my consciousness probably every minute of my life. Sometimes, I wonder if I could just unconsciously listen to Taenggu’s words and trust my inner unconscious self that it would somehow eventually guide me to unknowingly do certain things that she has told me to do inside. I know certain things that I’ve been doing especially in the recent months were not done out of my single mind alone. Some of my ideas might have come from Taenggu or other people but it’s just that I might not exactly know it consciously. Ideas like setting up this website, doing more writings to express my feelings and reaching out to her more personally and directly, they all might have been Taenggu’s intentions for me. I guess that’s what intuition means. I’m doing things out of gut feelings.

As a conscious person, if she could communicate with me directly and ask me to do something for her, I know I would gladly do it for her without a doubt too. If I ever promise her anything, be it in my consciousness or not, I know I would still try my best to keep my promises. Cross my heart. <3

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