For the past few days, I’ve been receiving some feedbacks from the universe in response to my recent blog posts which made me understand more about myself too.
On Monday, after I published the post LYRICS: THE SCIENTIST where I wrote about the song which accompanied me through my outbreak of schizophrenia in 2013, I was on the way for my facial appointment when I felt a voice of a girl whispering to my left ear. She said, “It’s because you can’t remember how you have helped her. That’s why you are unhappy and lonely. That’s why you have to teach her!”
It made so much sense to me. Many times, I feel so moody but I can’t understand or remember exactly why and what I am unhappy about. I somehow know I have been helping Taenggu spiritually all these while but I can’t remember exactly how and what I did for her. So nowadays, I have been more open in doing more physical things for her, like drawing, writing and sending parcels to her. It helps to heal myself and compensate for my lost memories with her. Sometimes, I also wish I could get something in return from her too. If she can’t do so physically for now, then spiritually would have helped me feel better and closer to her too. Although I can’t really directly teach her how I actually managed to reach out to her spiritually (because I’m also trying to figure it out myself), I have been writing my stories from my own perspective, hoping they could guide her eventually and make her understand better. Like what the voices have been telling me, it takes time.
Yesterday, I also wrote another post LOVE DIARY: COME UP TO MEET YOU AND ASK YOU MY QUESTIONS. In the post, I mentioned how I would feel emotionally imbalanced when I hear voices promise me something but if I don’t see it happening to me physically in reality or in my consciousness, they all become empty promises which hurt my heart even more. Later that day, after the post was published, I saw an image of Taenggu holding a bunch of roses coming into my mind. As if she was giving me the flowers as a gift of apology, she said “Forgive me. 미안해요.”, which means sorry in Korean. It was such a sweet gesture from her that it made me get over all my past grievances with her better too.
Later on, there were also some voices which advised me to continue taking my pills for schizophrenia and told me not to read too deeply (into my unconscious mind or other people’s minds). I actually ran out of medicine last week and was supposed to go for my routine appointment with the clinic on Saturday to get a new supply of medicine but I couldn’t make it in the end. On weekday nights this week, the clinic is only opened on Monday and Thursday. I couldn’t go on Monday because of facial so I can only wait till Thursday which is today. The medicine is supposed to help maintain the chemical balance in my brain. I may not be able to feel the obvious effects of the medicine, sometimes it could just be a psychological effect. I feel that without taking the medicine these few days, I get mood swings more often and my thoughts get shifted easily. It seems like there is a flood of information coming to me all at once and I can’t concentrate on just a single thought.
Taenggu was probably worried for me too. I heard a voice telling me, “Taeyeon wants to take the pills for you.” Don’t worry Taenggu, I will be getting those pills at the clinic later on after work today! <3