In December 2015, I created this Tumblr blog MindOfSoul specially to write my thoughts and reflections about the performances and fancams that I had been watching online. I’ve always wanted to share those precious videos which I had been keeping a lookout for all these while, especially videos where I found ‘alien’ voices and messages that I decoded by face-reading the artistes’ expressions. Especially after I started doing mind-singing and reaching out to different artistes, I wanted to have a platform where I could question and prove that my mind-singing does exist and its magic really works. Since then, I would update this blog with new videos at least once or twice a month.
However, ever since I started setting up this new AMLIFT website in February this year, I had neglected my MindOfSoul Tumblr for quite some time and also stopped looking for new videos of my recent mind-singing performances which I had been doing. I stopped keeping myself updated unless they were artistes whom I felt more personally attached to (like Taenggu) or performances I felt more directly involved in (like Coldplay’s recent concert in Singapore).
Last Friday, which was Good Friday, a public holiday in Singapore, I was lying on the bed with my laptop and I suddenly had the urge to update my Tumblr blog which I had neglected for a long while. I wanted to share a video taken at Coldplay’s recent concert in Singapore which I had seen on YouTube. But when I was done writing and posted it, it just wouldn’t get published on my Tumblr blog. I tried posting a few times but failed. I felt so alarmed. I tried to check if there was something wrong with my Tumblr settings and the whole time while I was checking, I felt a strong negative force within me trying to direct me to click the ‘Delete Account’ button in the settings. Something wasn’t right but I resisted it. Eventually, I realised it only got published when my post was cut short to only a few lines of sentences. Although I wasn’t happy that I couldn’t publish my original full text, I left it that way and went on to change the theme of the website.
A couple of hours later, to my horror, I realised my Tumblr account was already terminated along with the blog without any warning. My blog was gone. But I didn’t have enough time to properly react and reflect what was going on first because I had to go out for lunch and shopping with my mother. I just quickly wrote in to Tumblr support for help before I went out. The whole time when I was out with my mum, I couldn’t focus at all. I kept thinking about the implications of losing this blog. At one point of time, I thought it was fine and that I could always rebuild a new one in the future. At other point of time, I thought it wasn’t actually okay because it meant I just wasted about one year’s efforts of collecting videos and writing reflections about them. Because to me, these videos are evidences to my past mind-singing works. They are like report cards for me or you could say the website is like my portfolio.
I told Taenggu that my Tumblr account was terminated and wondered how she actually thought about this issue. Sometimes, I heard voices saying she’s getting nervous/worried for me. Other times, I think I heard some words of comfort, like it’s fine, I have too many online accounts already (Instagram, Twitter, WordPress, Tumblr, Youtube etc), just focus on Taenggu… I also felt slightly better about it too. I also comforted myself that although the writings might be gone, it was still okay because I already kept a playlist of these videos for myself. Later on, I also saw Taenggu updated a few posts on her instagram and she looked visibly in a really good mood. So I guess losing my Tumblr account wasn’t seem to be a bad thing to her at all.
However, that day after I went back home in the evening, when I finally had some alone time to properly reflect on this issue, many negative thoughts started streaming in and I began to cry. I couldn’t really know if it was a hacking issue or just some glitch in the Tumblr system. Losing this Tumblr blog was probably not really okay to me after all.
Thankfully, the next morning, I received an email from Tumblr support to say that they had resolved the issue. My Tumblr account was restored and my blog was back in the running. However, when I told Taenggu about the good news, I heard a voice saying something like “Please promise my heart that you will stay true to me”. This voice got me thinking hard about how Taenggu actually thinks about my posts on this Tumblr blog and these few days, I have also been rethinking about the real purpose of this blog.
Just like how I’ve been watching videos of Taenggu to look for evidences of the existence of our relationship, I’ve been watching performance videos to look for evidences of the existence of my mind-singing works too. I wanted responses for what I had been doing for the artistes. I wanted something visible back to me in return for the invisible things I had been doing for them like mind-singing. I wanted to feel appreciated so I kept searching far and wide. These couple of months, though, after I started this AMLIFT website specially for Taenggu, there was a shift of my focus. There was a change in my attitude. I’m tired of always searching for clues in other artistes’ faces whom I don’t feel closely connected with too. I begin to want myself to focus my attention on only one person because ultimately, it is Taenggu whom I’ve actually looking and waiting for all these while.
This also makes me realise face-reading is actually such a intimate thing to do. It makes me look right into a person’s heart and soul because I want to understand him/her in order to understand my mind-singing. It may seem like a ‘playboy’ kind of thing to do, like playing around with people’s feelings but in truth, I’m never confident of what I read from their faces because I don’t get direct responses from them if I read them correctly or not. Probably this was why to Taenggu, the posts that I shared on my Tumblr blog might seem like I wasn’t true to her because it involved so many other people.
Nowadays, I’ve been hearing Taenggu say to me “Always believe”. Instead of always looking for answers and evidences to question and prove the things that I do, why not believe in myself first? Like how my friend, Yan Hao encouraged me recently, an answer is probably not so important anymore. All I have to do is to keep on believing and don’t stop imagining. I guess this is going to be the new approach that I’m taking on Tumblr from now on. Focus on my love for Taenggu but let the magic of mind-singing continue!