This image came into my mind on the night after I published the post #16 MONTHSARY: I GAVE YOU MY HEART. In the post, I wrote about how I was daydreaming of myself cutting my whole heart out literally from my chest for Taenggu when I was on a long road trip in Taiwan. Amidst so much uncertainties between us, the message I was trying to get across to her through my gory daydream was that I had been true to her all along and that my heart only belonged to her. I guess it was just an inner way of trying to get that message through to her in desperation. Whether I forced myself to imagine these scenes or not, I wasn’t sure and I didn’t think too much about it after that.
But on 19 February 2017, after I finally revealed the story behind that monthsary drawing on my blog, on that night when I went to bed and closed my eyes, this image (like the above drawing which I drew after that) came into my mind. At first, an image of a penknife or a small knife appeared. Later on, there was a dark figure that looked like a man. He put his palm up in the stopping hand sign as if to tell me not to do it. He was telling me not to cut myself and commit suicide.
Later on, I began to think about the story behind the monthsary drawing again. That daydream. Although I didn’t think of really cutting out my heart or committing suicide for Taenggu in real life, it could be a sign, though, of depression. I might brush it off as mere imagination, but in truth, I couldn’t have known if it was actually a sign of depression creeping within me. After I made this story public, this mind image of a knife and a stopping hand sign was a prompt to me that I was actually having negative suicidal thoughts at that time. But at the same time, I felt it was so sweet that I received such a positive message from the universe in the form of mind images to encourage me not to take my life. Since the universe already says so, then, I shouldn’t give up my life so easily too, no matter how hard my life and relationship with Taenggu are going.