To Be A Bright Star Like You

You’re the brightest star
High up above in the night sky
Sparkling, sparkling
When I raise my head
It’s easy to spot you
I wonder, though
How do I look like to you from down below?
Am I too dark hidden in the shadows
That you can’t see me?
If that’s the case
Then I will get the help from fireflies
To glow me up a little
So that you can see me too
Celeste Koh

This poem is about a fan’s perspective towards an idol on stage. During concerts, Taenggu is just like a bright star in the night sky. All lights are shining on her when she sings. As a fan sitting among the audience, it’s easy to see where she is and focus my eyes on her. Even though she may just look like a tiny figure to me who is sitting faraway, I can still observe her closely through the big screens. It’s easy for me to see her. I wonder, though, how do I look like to her who is standing on the stage? Can she see where I am sitting? Or am I hidden in the dark that she can’t find me? Can she see me waving a pink lightstick at her but I am probably lost among the thousand others in the pink ocean?

Ever since I started getting spiritually connected to her in 2013, I had physically attended her concerts 3 times so far. Once in Singapore and the other 2 times overseas. I struggled many times emotionally before each concert. What kinds of feelings and attitude should I be having when I go to her concerts? Should I watch her concerts as an ordinary fan or as someone who thinks I am special to her? Every time I would sing and cheer for her just like other fans. I feel ordinary and I would think to myself, probably I’m not so special after all. When the concert ends, she disappears backstage coolly and I would leave the hall with a broken heart, not because I am trying to hide myself away from her, but because I really don’t know what else to do. Should I wait a little while more or should I just leave because nothing would happen anyway? I guess it is only normal to walk away with the rest of the people as if it is just another concert. My life still stays the same.

Looking back, I would say I had no regrets for going to her concerts even though I had to go through an emotional struggle between being a fan and an unacknowledged special someone. Each concert was an experience and a test to our relationship. Each time I went a step further, and eventually made a special trip overseas just to watch her concert to show how important and special a person she is in my heart. But each time I would go with less and less expectations so my disappointment at the end of concert would be less too. When I posted this poem on Instagram this morning, I felt a sudden wave of emotions and started to cry. I realised how much hurt I actually buried deep in my heart for each time we simply passed by each other just like that without being able to meet to say a word. Even as I am writing this, my heart hurts a lot too.

This poem is actually inspired by one of her latest new songs, “Curtain Call”. What I’ve written above was my side of the story as an audience while the lyrics of “Curtain Call” give me a glimpse of what Taenggu’s side of the story as a singer could be.

The lyrics (translated by Stella) wrote:

A dark stage-like night
On top of the stage with a black wall
Bring out the long and dizzying story
Like a play
When the performance curtain comes down
The time in my heart that grows
Calls on you again

The end of shining you and I, Curtain Call
Goodbye like the wind
Words I couldn’t say because I thought it would ruin
Come back to me
Spotlight shines on me and hides your appearance
Sad because it shined, our Curtain Call
Goodbye like that moment

Like cool dialogue
After sharing last goodbyes
You turn your back
On the already empty stage, I’m alone
Obvious tragedy has ended in vain
Truly in vain
Disappointing moment, all of this moment
I look back on it, again

The end of shining you and I, Curtain Call
Goodbye like the wind
Words I couldn’t say because I thought it would ruin
Come back to me
Spotlight shines on me and hides your appearance
Sad because it shined, our Curtain Call
Goodbye like that moment

As time passes, forget it, endure it somehow
When it ends, it begins again
But what I’m afraid of
Is that it could be an endless ending
One time love and many Curtain Call
It never becomes dull
Even if I try hard to withstand it, I keep hurting
After the stage, you’ve left and I’ve let you get away
I’m still here
Trapped in the memory and again Curtain Call
Goodbye like that moment, goodbye again
Goodbye again
Goodbye again

Thank you to the person who wrote the lyrics of this song for Taenggu. It really helps to heal me and give me some light to see things from her perspective. It makes me feel better to believe that at least Taenggu didn’t have a good time emotionally too when we parted our ways after the end of each concert.

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