Taenggu In My Mind: I Will Spray It For You


Do you sometimes see certain interesting images involuntarily coming into your mind in the day, even when you are not sleeping? Nowadays, I experience this quite often, especially images related to Taenggu. Is this related to schizophrenia too? I would say, I don’t think so because even back during the days of my worst psychotic episodes, my hallucinations were more of auditory rather than visual. I only hear voices but I don’t see them. It was only after I started practising yoga recently that I began to see many interesting images in my head. They are often illogical and out of the world, but that’s what make them interesting to me (probably schizophrenia has changed the state of my mind and made it more interesting). I would say, heaven has opened my third eye to help me see and visualise Taenggu in her daily life. This really has helped to ease and compensate for so much uncertainties between us.

The above is one of the first few drawings that I tried to draw out from my mind whenever I saw images of Taenggu appearing in my head. On this day, 29th December 2016, she was attending the 2016 KBS Gayo Daechukjae. It was also our 23rd monthsary. That day after work, I wanted to bring her for dinner at the new Gudetama Cafe in Suntec City to celebrate our monthsary. While on the train there, I saw some new photos of her at the red carpet. She looked so pretty. She was wearing a blue dress like this.

161229 Taeyeon at red carpet

I talked and messaged her at the same time too. I remembered telling her that I forgot to spray my perfume again that day. I just hadn’t gotten used to the habit of spraying perfume on myself yet. About 30 minutes later, when I reached the cafe, there was a extremely long queue. It looked like it would take more than an hour before my turn. I decided to take out my new doodle pad and draw something to kill my time. But I didn’t know what to draw. So I closed my eyes and asked “What should I draw?”. After awhile, an image of Taenggu spraying perfume like that came into my mind so I drew it.

To me, the drawing was an overlap between reality and an inner desire. It represented Taenggu’s current state of mind. In my conscious memory, I knew she was wearing that blue dress right now so I could understand this was what she was thinking of at the present moment. This image of her must have been trying to tell me that she wished she could remind me to spray my perfume too. If we were living together physically, I know she would spray the perfume for me just like in the drawing if I forget to. It showed how thoughtful she really was and it warmed up my heart.

When direct verbal words couldn’t come easily from her, mind images like this could help me understand her a little better. In this blog category Taenggu In My Mind, I will be sharing mind drawings like this and talking about the stories behind each drawing and what I think it means. Do look out for these posts!

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