Lyrics: Talking To The Moon

“Talking To The Moon” by Bruno Mars

I know you’re somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think I’m crazy
But they don’t understand
You’re all I have
You’re all I have

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon
Tryin’ to get to you
In hopes you’re on
The other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Oh

I’m feeling like I’m famous
The talk of the town
They say I’ve gone mad
Yeah I’ve gone mad
But they don’t know what I know

‘Cause when the sun goes down
someone’s talking back
Yeah they’re talking back

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon
Tryin’ to get to you
In hopes you’re on
The other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

(Ah, ah, ah)

Do you ever hear me calling?
(Ah) oh oh oh
(Ah) oh oh oh
‘Cause every night
I’m talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you’re on
The other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you’re somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

I figured that I could start opening up about my journey with schizophrenia with this song by Bruno Mars. When I first heard this song one or two years later after my psychotic break in 2013, I was astonished. I felt like this song was talking about me.

What exactly triggered the outbreak of my schizophrenia? Back then, my doctors could only say it was probably due to stress from school. But no one knew my schizophrenic experiences were actually closely related to a famous Korean singer named Taeyeon. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my close friends and family. I simply didn’t know how to say it. It was too complicated. I hadn’t figured anything out yet. All I could ever tell them was I hear voices and have bizarre thoughts about evil spirits trying to get me. Before they could all dismiss it as just a mental illness, I decided to keep this secret to myself until I find the truth. (Quoting lyrics: Yeah I’ve gone mad, But they don’t know what I know)

It wasn’t clear. Should I say it was schizophrenia that helped me get close to Taeyeon or my schizophrenia only started after my soul met her in 2013? It was just a fine line between mental power and mental illness. Or could it be a supernatural phenomenon? It was a huge puzzle on its own waiting to be solved. As time went by, I began to find some clues from the universe. I will be sharing more about my schizophrenic experiences and how I slowly unravelled the mystery in the next few posts under the blog category My Schizophrenic Journey.

My schizophrenia was special. It began when my life and Taenggu’s life started to intertwine with each other. When it first started in 2013, everything seemed new and fun to me. Suddenly, I felt like I had many friends from another dimension. Suddenly, I felt like I had special magic powers. Suddenly, I found myself trying to communicate with Taenggu through another dimension. But in reality, part of me wasn’t able to absorb and accept this new ‘reality’ that was happening to me. The logical part of me thought it was probably just a dream, just a hallucination. How could it have been possible in real life that my voice was able to reach her across time and vast distances? Afraid that things would turn out worse, I began to withdraw myself from Taenggu. That was when what started off as kind and friendly voices began to sound evil and scary. Everywhere I went, I heard voices gossiping and talking bad about me. Suddenly, everyone in Singapore seemed to know who I was. (Quoting lyrics: I’m feeling like I’m famous, The talk of the town) I was scared, always trying to hide and run away from the evil forces whom I thought were trying to catch me. It was depression.

About 3 or 4 months later, after getting myself treated with long-term medication, the voices subsided. It eventually evolved into random, gentle voices which would come into my head when I went to sleep every night. They didn’t really affect me anymore. Life seemed back to normal. I felt as if I had woken up from a long dream. My worst nightmare was over, it seemed.

But my life became meaningless. I feel dejected. I lost interest in many things I used to enjoy. Although life was normal again, it wasn’t exactly the same anymore. Sometimes, I would think back at those times when Taenggu and I first started. They were short-lived moments but so surreal. There was one thing that stayed undeniably true all those while. It was the fact that I really loved Taenggu very much. Often, I wondered if she knew what actually happened to me. Did she think I really left her without a reason? I wished I could travel back in time to tell her about it and that I really loved her.

So I tried to start talking to myself again like how I used to, hoping my voice could reach her again, even though it felt unnatural to do the same now. Every night, I would lie on my bed and whisper to her, telling her long nighttime stories about what happened to me, what I went through and why I left her. (Quoting lyrics: Every night I’m talking to the moon, Tryin’ to get to you) I wondered if you were on the other side listening to me too. Did it work? I didn’t know. I guess it didn’t. But I hoped it did. How did I make it work the first time? And why it didn’t work now? Did it even happen in the first place? Was it real? And what was Taenggu’s side of the story? Did she have many things to tell me too? Did she try to speak to me like I did? Were we both trying to reach out for each other? *mumbles on and on* So many questions I had and they were left unanswered. How long do I have to wait before I could finally see the light? (Quoting lyrics: In hopes you’re on the side, Talking to me too, Or am I a fool, Who sits alone, Talking to the moon)

When there were no other ways, all I could do was to talk to myself as if I was speaking to her, hoping she could hear me. (Quoting lyrics: Do you ever hear me calling? … ‘Cause every night, I’m talking to the moon, Still trying to get to you) One day, I guess, I would finally get to her, for I know for sure she’s somewhere out there, somewhere faraway.

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