#16 Monthsary: I Gave You My Heart

“I gave you my heart. It wasn’t much but it was all I have… And then you mended and filled it with love.”
Celeste Koh


I did this drawing during our first staycation at a hotel. It was inspired from my holiday trip to Taiwan earlier that month.

Right after our monthsary last month, I flew to Taiwan with a group of university friends for a 10-day long grad trip. Before that, I only talked to Taenggu about it by whispering to her. I assumed that she heard it. I probably didn’t share about it anywhere on social media. I also told her that I would be attending Girls’ Generation’s ‘Phantasia’ concert in Taipei alone on 7 May 2016. It was going to be my first time watching her concert as an audience after we got together as a couple and at a foreign place as well.

I had mixed feelings about this. The struggle of having to watch her from afar and not being able to get close to her even though I was her girlfriend (at least I tried to believe this was true). But after my heartbreaking trip to Seoul last Dec, I was able to handle my emotions much better this time. I decided to take this Taiwan trip as a pure vacation, just to relax and have fun. So I didn’t want to expect anything more out of the trip or the concert. (I will talk more about my concert experience in Taiwan in a separate post in the future.)

During the days in Taiwan, I tried to keep her close to my mind too. I shared many food pictures with her and also photos of me with my friends. It felt as if I was taking her on this trip together with me too. Whenever I went, I would whisper to her to tell her where we were right now and what we were doing. Sometimes, though, it seemed there were many uncertainties between us.

During that period of time, there was often a voice which kept saying “정말, my heart!”. At first, it sounded like something positive to me. I would think of it as a statement which means we could understand each other’s hearts very well. However, slowly, when I heard the same statement even when I was in a bad mood, I began to suspect if this was true at all. Taenggu was probably feeling the same too. I could feel her getting irritated by that voice too. Like really? Do you think you really understand me? I started to think if she was suspecting if my heart was true to her all along.

Then a couple of days before the concert, I knew she was on the flight on the way to Taiwan. I was travelling on a long road trip in a van. I closed my eyes, trying to get a nap. Then, I started daydreaming of myself sitting on the same plane next to her. I was cutting my whole heart out from my chest literally in front of her without saying a word. And then, I put my heart in a treasure box, locked it and passed it to her. I was trying to tell her, “My heart only belongs to you and no one else. Please keep it safe with you.”

Although it was a little too dramatic and gory thing to do, I guess it was just my inner way of trying to get that message across to her in desperation. So later that month, I decided to draw out the same scene using me and Bobo in a much cuter way to remember our experience in Taiwan. I hope it didn’t terrify her! XD

Flower for the month:

16th Monthsary Flower

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